I’m really debating hard how much to share in this post. I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to over share. And those who read regularly know that I try to tow a line of speaking the truth about parenting kids with issues but not divulging too much about my kids, as what goes on the internet lives forever. So, I’m just going to start writing from my gut or my heart and see where it goes. Maybe it will be detailed and off putting. Maybe it will be vague and hard to follow. But I’m hoping for inspirational, in that whatever you are going through, you are most certainly not alone. LIkely it will be deeply personal.
My wife is working like crazy and working for people who are crazy. I don’t want to diminish the herculean efforts of single parents by saying that I am a de facto single parent right now. But it isn’t too far from the truth. The timing of this happens to coincide with my oldest, 12 year old, having a major depressive episode, increased anxiety, the onset of social specific anxiety. And, if you read my blog, you know that my 7 year old is substantially mentally ill. And after a period of relative calm, he’s not doing particularly well either.
I have been hanging on by my fingernails for about two months now. I haven’t been in my garden. It’s at a critical point. If I don’t get out there in the next day or so, opportunities/ crops will be lost. I’m already writing off my fruit trees. I missed my chance to get them netted when I was sick for my whole off week last week. I’m not practicing the drums. I miss that. I am working out, still eating pretty well, sleeping, doing my best to meditate at least a few times a week, and trying to be social. But I’m worried about those things staying solid if I can’t maintain balance in my life.
And then yesterday happened. I will be brief. An over zealous provider with whom I had had an intake the previous Monday felt that something I said had triggered her mandatory reporting responsibility. And I was reported to DCF for neglect. )Believe it or not, this is the second time that this has happened this year. The first time was by the public school system butting in to our child’s medical care where they didn’t belong. The school board agreed.) Ultimately I spoke to the social worker and she sought the clarification that the therapist should have sought. It is highly unlikely that an investigation will even be pursued.
However, before I knew that, this broke me in every conceivable way. I was no longer hanging by my fingernails. I was untethered. The walls were closing in. I cannot remember the last time I felt so alone in the world. I felt betrayed while I was at my most vulnerable. And, I’m not going to lie. I don’t feel that much better today. Everything feels heavy right now. It feels like living underwater. Everything takes so much effort. The depression is palpable. The anxiety, sticky like the humidity.
My To Do List looms over me like the monolith did over the apes in 2001. Everything feels important. I don’t feel like I have the energy for any of it. Yet, I know that I have done it before. I have experiential knowledge that I can do these things by doing them one at a time. I started by bending one of my own rules. Well, not really. I exercised a rarely used clause. When one project gets big enough, it deserves it’s own List. I moved all of my gardening stuff that I was stressing about onto it’s on little green sticky on my home screen. That means a little more toggling between Work, Home & Garden. But it also means that I’m not overwhelmed looking at all the garden stuff that I can’t do in the middle of the day when it’s 95° out when I need to focus my energies.
Now I just start. One thing. Do. Cross off. Second Thing. Do. Cross off. Eventually the list will become manageable. Even if my depression remains, I WILL get stuff done.
PS. All this said, I’m only a day late for my new Tuesday goal. Changing that up seems to have been a good idea…
Standard Disclaimer: In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typos, mistakes, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content down. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post that goes unfinished.