I have been radio silent for quite a bit. Sorry. I’ve been prioritizing self care, family, and enjoying my life. And, I’ve been putting my creative energy toward finishing my first book, hopefully by the end of the summer. But, if you read me at all, you know I don’t like to let it go when I read an ADHD related article that pisses me off. Case in point, this article on ADDitude by the illustrious Ned Hallowell:
Wasn’t expecting that big rectangle when I copied and pasted the URL. Oh, well.
Here’s my response. “Though I agree with most of, if not all of these tips, I would suggest them to any partner of any person. And, I think the fundamental premise of the article is pretty insulting. As and ADHD coach, I spend quite a bit of time being a cheerleader for my clients because so many people in their lives have treated them as “less than” over the years. Often this includes their spouse(s.) Trying to give relationship advice to ADHD adults starting with the premise that being married to them is “more work,” is not only untrue, but is a blanket statement of “less than-ness” that is fundamentally harmful. Well treated/ well managed ADHD doesn’t have to be a disruptive 3rd party in your marriage. And as long as EITHER party believes that to be true, the marriage will never be a true partnership. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Whether they are related to ADHD or not doesn’t change the quantity or quality of the work you need to put in to your marriage, just the specifics.
Again, all the suggestions are great… for everyone. But if you start out believing that one partner is “the burden” in the relationship, they’re not likely to be particularly effective. I would suggest that we all start with the idea that we are with our partner because we LOVE that person and that we believe their quirks, idiosyncrasies, and specific weaknesses (as long as they are actively working to be the best version of themselves and the best partner they can be,) are part of a total package of a person that we are with because their awesomeness more than balances out their not-quite-awesome parts. After 21 years of marriage, the thing I love most about my wife is that she has never made me feel less than about my weaknesses and sees and appreciates all of my strengths. And, that (along with all the points Dr. Hallowell made) have supported me to be the best version of myself, as a man, a father, an entrepreneur, and as a partner.”