This is not specifically an ADHD topic. Though our particular wiring may make it more relevant. I don’t know. I’ve been a person with ADHD and mostly work ADHD people. And, this will be a one week hiatus from the BATDL topics.
My mom has untreatable COPD, despite never being a smoker or around second hand smoke much at all. If you don’t know, COPD basically makes it so that your lungs don’t work. She has deteriorated quite a bit in the last six months. And she started home hospice last week. My wife, kids, and I have said goodbye. But there could be a month left. The not knowing is really hard.
The last week has been very difficult. My attention has been dreadful, largely because my mood has been awful. I’m not a big cryer. I’m more of a “handle logistics now and be classically sad later” kind of guy. So, I’m not wandering around weeping. But I’m not myself. I has taken me all week to feel like I have enough attention to sit down and bang out some blog posts. And, I couldn’t even go through my inbox Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. It has also been difficult being 100% present with my clients. I haven’t told any of my clients because I don’t want to make their sessions about me. And, I don’t think that they would notice how much harder I have to work to be present. But everything has been a challenge.
This leads me to the lesson that I learned when I was in my early/mid 20’s. I was working for a brilliant but very, very tough chef named Carmen at a restaurant in the financial district called The Vault. It was an intense and gruelling job on the best days. One day, as I was getting of the train my flip phone rang. It was my mom. She told me that my almost 90 year old grandfather had tried to change a lightbulb by standing on a chair and that he had fallen and hit the edge of the kitchen counter and had broken his neck. He was in intensive care and we didn’t know how it was going to turn out.
I chose to continue on to work and do my best to pull my weight for that shift. I pulled Chef aside when I got there and told him what was going on. He gave me advice that was wise and practical and has stuck with me for 25 years since. He said that he was sorry about what was going on with my grandfather but that part of being an adult was to be able to put that on a shelf, take care of your adult responsibilities, and then take it back off the shelf later to deal with. He really was kind about and probably took it easier on me for the next week or so. But I took it to heart. Particularly because there was nothing I could do about the situation, it made sense to not ruminate on it to the detriment of my ability to ply my trade and make a living, or whatever else I had to do in my life.
I’ve always appreciate this lesson. And it has helped me get through some tough times without letting my whole life crumble. Bear in mind that we absolutely do have to deal with the feelings on that shelf. But we don’t have to deal with them 24/7 or let them control our lives. Thankfully, my grandfather made a complete recovery and I got another seven or eight years with him. He got to see me get married, and he got to spend time with my oldest son until he was about three. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for all the time that I, my kids, and my wife have had with my mom. I’m trying to focus on being grateful and using my sadness shelf when I need to be an adult. So far it’s mostly working.
Standard disclaimer: When posting my thoughts here, I feel that content is far more important than perfection. I try to practice what I preach that ‘done’ is better than ‘not done…perfectly.’ So, unlike with my book, I don’t edit much, if at all. I hope you can look past any small imperfections and find the content useful.