Parenting is hard. Parenting neurodivergent kids is harder. We absolutely need to provide our kids with consistency, structure, rules and accountability. But we also need to encourage them and be a positive force in their lives. As such, pretty much all the research shows that ADHD kids, and most people in general, respond better to rewards than to punishment. And finding ways to provide more wins in your ADHD kid’s life is no small thing either.
So the carrot is the far preferred method of behavioral management for ADHD kids. We should only reserve the proverbial stick for when we really need it. But we need to be careful in how we use the carrot too, or the carrot can become just another stick. We need to provide our kids with rewards that are attainable. The rewards need to push our kids to an extent. That’s the whole point. But they have to be reachable without too much pain and suffering. The rewards also have to be reachable in a time frame that works for your kid’s level of development. If you make them wait too long or jump through too many hoops, they won’t buy in.
Give rewards that are a stretch but are attainable. As the stretch becomes less, make the goal a little more aggressive. Not that you want to move the proverbial goal posts. You want to be clear and say something like, “Great. You’ve gotten really good at doing X. Starting next week let’s trying doing X on your own.” Eventually, they’ll do X on their own without a reminder. And so on. Remember that the goal is real and lasting behavioral change.
It is also helpful to remember that there is a real difference between a reward and a bribe. A reward is something that your child can earn by pushing anxiety, doing something hard, dealing with adversity, developing a new skill, or getting outside their comfort zone. And it is a thing that they will not always be rewarded for. A bribe is a quid pro quo for a behavior that a child doesn’t want to do but is more than capable of doing. Just do your best to know the difference while remembering that most people want to be successful and want to please. If you kid isn’t doing those things, it is more likely that there is a reason than that they are just being difficult.
Standard disclaimer: When posting my thoughts here, I feel that content is far more important than perfection. I try to practice what I preach that ‘done’ is better than ‘not done…perfectly.’ So, unlike with my book, I don’t edit much, if at all. I hope you can look past any small imperfections and find the content useful.