I’ve been thinking about how to make my triumphant return to my blog. How can I possibly come back with the consistency that I had always had pre-pandemic? Should I stockpile entries? Should I try to write in the middle of the night after the kids were in bed? Should I only do short, pithy posts that are less substantive but can be churned out? Should I take longer posts and make them into long series? Should I…??? The answer is no, no, and no. I can’t expect myself to know what the future holds. I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t even have a magic 8 ball. I can’t guarantee that I can post weekly like I have in the past. But I can guarantee that I’m currently posting today. And that is a victory. That is an ADHD victory. That is a human victory. That is an anxiety victory. That is a pandemic victory. I haven’t posted since early August. If I start posting at all, even if it’s not every week, that will continue to be a victory.  And I think we all need victories right now. So whatever you are struggling with, working out, eating well, meditation, getting work done, homework, job searching, keeping the house tidy, whatever… remember that it is not all or nothing. YOU CAN MAKE PROGRESS WITHOUT BEING PERFECT. Change is not a light switch, it is an iterative process.  I have had so, so many things on hold as I’ve been in survive, not thrive mode through the last 8 months. And that was the right thing to do. Now I’m struggling with how to approach those things knowing that I’m still in survive mode but that I want or need to get back in the game somehow. I think…

ADDitude has a great article on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria today. It is part of the emotional dysregulation that comes with ADHD for many. “New Insights Into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.” It’s a great article. But if you weren’t reading super carefully, you might have missed something really important. “It’s widely understood that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD in the DSM-V only fit well with elementary school age children (6-12) and have never been validated in a group of people over the age of 16.1 They are based on only observational or behavioral criteria that can be seen and counted. The traditional diagnostic criteria intentionally avoid symptoms associated with emotion, thinking styles, relationships, sleeping, etc. because these features are hard to quantify. For clinicians who work with later adolescents and adults, the DSM-V criteria are almost useless because they ignore so much which is vital to understanding how people with an ADHD nervous system experience their lives.” This is one of the main reasons we have so many incompetent clinicians in America, when it comes to ADHD. If you are truly “in the know.” there is a wealth of information on ADHD, diagnosis, treatment, medication, etc. But, if you are going by the book, the one book that you are supposed to go by to diagnose and treat all mental disease and disorders… well, then you’re shit out of luck in terms of knowing what you are doing. It is really shameful. 

Quite a while ago I posted about a checklist I’d made for my son for his morning routine. This is an update, re-exploration of that topic.  My son is 11. He is the most wonderful, empathetic, smart, and sensitive kid you will ever meet. But, he’s on his own planet much of the time. This is hard for me because his flavor of ADHD is so different from mine. I am over sensitive to my environment. I notice everything. As a kid I may not have cared to address what I noticed because it seemed like too much effort, but I knew it was there. I struggle with gett my 11 year old to even notice. So, a few years ago, I made him a checklist and printed it on bright yellow paper and posted it next to the door in his room. I worked for a few weeks and then faded into his background. I know that ADHDers tend to do a new thing while it is the “bright, shiny object” and then tune it out. I know that visual reminders need to be refreshed often to work for ADHDers. Yet, somehow I expected that the posted checklist would work indefinitely. Or maybe I just wanted it to.  Needless to say, it did not work forever. Not even close. He didn’t slide back to square one but much of the progress was lost. I guess it wasn’t super high on my list to follow up and enough of the progress was retained. Then the zombie apocalypse happened and we’re all stuck in the house together, and I have more on my plate than ever. And having to chase my son around to do pretty basic stuff like clearing his plate after meals was really grinding my gears.  And before you…

Hey everyone. It has been almost two months since I posted last. I believe one of my last posts was about being in “survive” mode as opposed to “thrive” mode. I’ve definitely been surviving. The past few months at home have been tough, as I’m sure they have for most of you too. In many ways I’ve been forced to cut down to the bare minimum in order to survive. My self care is not quite where I would like it to be. I don’t get to play the drums as much as I’d like.. hardly at all. But I only skipped one lesson. I’m still trying to progress. I haven’t had as much time as I would like to work in the garden. But my wife took the kids for three hours on Sunday and I more or less caught up. So far everything looks good. I’ve made a concerted effort to start meditating on my own again over the last few weeks… with varied success.  Work is also a challenge. I have done zero marketing and basically only made time for my clients. Other than that… I’m not keeping up on my ADHD reading and webinars. And, as you know, I’m not posting here. I was very insistent when I started this blog that I didn’t want to do the ADHD thing of posting for two months and then forgetting about the blog altogether. I’m proud to say that I’ve been very consistent over the years. But things change. With this unprecedented situation, I’ve had to adjust my expectations.  I think the key to my success (if you want to call it that,) is that I’m just not expecting to thrive. I’m more willing to let things go now than I ever have been before, which is nice. Years ago…

My daughter found this picture nail in my office. It has been my go to fidget toy this week during many a remote session. Sometimes simple is best… and cheapest.

I’m going to post some quick tips about working from home. I’ve been working from home for almost a decade. It was certainly a challenge at first, but I feel like I’ve been pretty good at it for the last several years. Of course having my kids and my wife at home is a pretty big change, at least I haven’t had to alter my professional life…much. Hopefully I can pass on some things I’ve learned over the last 9+ years so you can adapt more quickly.  The first tip is mostly mine, with a very specific detail from my brother-in-law. I think it is really important to still approach your day with a purpose and with some professionalism. I learned this in culinary school, where I was in the a.m. class and needed to be on time for school at 5:30 a.m. with a pressed uniform, hat, neckerchief, shined shoes, hair regulation, piercings out, clean-shaven, awake, and ready to learn. And that level of professionalism was expected at most of my high-end restaurant jobs. So, when I transitioned to working from home, I didn’t have to wear a hat or a uniform, but I did decide to get up at a regular time, shower, shave, and get into reasonable clothes every day. My brother-in-law is a lawyer who doesn’t particularly like working from home. Good for him he just bought a two bedroom condo and one bedroom is set up as an office. He takes my philosophy one step further. He actually gets into a suit and tie and dress shoes as if he were going to the office for real and goes into his home office at 9 a.m. and closes the door. Work time. I’ll post more tips in the coming weeks. Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort…

Planning. Planning. Planning.  In this “new normal” being prepared seems more important than every. Not quite as easy or safe to zip out the the supermarket and get that thing you forgot about for dinner. We are shopping bigger with the hopes that it lasts longer. But how to know if it will? I think it is really useful to make a menu for the week… or two weeks between shopping. That way you can be mindful about spreading out certain item. For example, I generally do pasta twice a week, but don’t like to do it two days in a row. I can mix in once in a while dishes, like hamburgers, stir fry, tacos, and stroganoff. I can also plot when to use my veggies, ensuring that those that have to get used first do get used first. That way nothing goes bad.  When I’m not doing pasta or special meals, I generally think in terms of Protein, Veggie, and Starch. I think of it like one of those character flip books from when we were kids. (Below is the only pic I could find in short order online.) Remember those things where you could flip 1/3 of the page to end up with character with a cowboy head, ballerina body, and astronaut boots? You don’t have to plan the meal down to the smallest detail. Just have some potatoes, some rice, some bean, some fries. Have three of four veggies. And, have a bunch of different proteins in the freezer. Of course some things will go better with others. But there is no real disaster when you have a starch, a protein, and a veggie.  If you have salmon, sausage, chicken breasts, and ground beef in the freezer; brussel sprouts, asparagus, delicata squash, cauliflower in the fridge; and baking potatoes,…

Hey y’all. I’m a bit late for my Friday post. (Though I’m going to cheat and post date this.) Actually, going forward, I think I”m going to shoot for posting more often but with considered brevity.   So, I’m not a big fan of screen time for my kids. But, we have to do some more than usual. I’m trying to limit it during the day but we pretty much do movie night every night. Bear in mind that I have a just turned 11-year-old boy and an about to turn 6-year-old girl.  So far they’ve loved: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey Major Payne (Big hit with my son.) Back to the future The neverending story… was a major bummer. Watching the first 20 minutes of it nearly ruined my childhood. Things we’ve done in the past that have worked… because I’m a nerd and am raising mini-nerds: Any modern Star Trek series, except DS9. God that show sucked.  Once upon a time. Very cute. Great for the whole family through about season 4… I think The Marvel Movies. Even if you’ve seen them before. Go back and watch them chronologically. Either in order of release or in order of when they occured.  X-men movie. Patrick Stewart; James McAvoy & Ian McKellen; Michael Fassbender? Need I say more? We are also diggin on cooking shows. I’m enjoying Jamie Oliver’s 15 minute meals and 5 ingredients with my daughter. Iron Chef, Iron Chef America, Good Eats, and old school America’s test kitchen/ Cooks Country are always favorites.

Well, the world has changed quite a bit since I wrote a blog post about 10 days ago. Thankfully, my family and my friends are all well. I have three freezers and am a classically trained chef… so we aren’t going to starve. I hope all of you reading this are well and secure. Of course there are many long term, societal, and economic consequences of this situation. But for those of us with kids, the battle is more day to day at this point. As there is talk of school being done for the YEAR, I’m pretty psyched my wife and I survived week one. I thought I would share some insights over the next few weeks about how to survive our sequestration with ADHD kids… and an ADHD dad.  First check out the picture below. SCHEDULING IS KEY! It’s less about the specifics or even if you stick to it. But it sure beats the, “what do we do now” discussion. That’s usually when my kids go off the rails. Bear in mind that I have a relatively independent 11 year old and an extremely needy almost-six-year-old. Your needs and results may vary.  Here are some specifics of what I try to put in my schedule every day.  I need to work out every day. That can be spin bike, weights, or digging out a bed in the garden. Generally my parenting is more on point if I get my workout in earlier in the day. Even though life is crazy, I’m making time to practice the drums every day. I’m not very good and haven’t been playing for that long. But I enjoy it; it’s “me” time; and it’s reasonably physical. My wife and I are insisting that we get 1/2 an hour of time together without…

I work with many ADHD adults who have wonderful marriages / relationships. But I also work with many ADHD adults who have significant relationship struggles. It is well established that ADHD can make things difficult in any partnership, especially a romantic one. Here are a few of the highlights of how your ADHD can lead your relationship down a challenging path. ADHDers often hyperfocus on new “shiny” relationship and set an unrealistic bar for excitement and novelty that can’t be sustained for the life of a relationship. Being an executive function disaster certainly has consequences when we’re single. But when our lateness, disorganization, forgetfulness, poor time management effect our partner, it’s not just our problem anymore.  The more people are involved, the more complex a system is created. You, your partner (who both work,) and two or three kids is a lot of responsibility. If one partner feels like they are shouldering significantly more than half of that responsibility it will likely lead to resentment.  Often ADHDers unintentionally select a partner who compensates for their weaknesses. For example, someone who is super structured and organized and runs their life like the german train system down to the minute. This usually works for a while but often deteriorates into a parent/child dynamic or learned helplessness. If the ADHD partner isn’t expect to be organized, they will never learn. And that can become a burden for the non-ADHD partner.  The same dynamic can often lead to resentment for the ADHD partner too. Who wants their wife to nag them just their mom did for 18 years?  Lack of attentiveness in interpersonal interactions, if consistent, can make the not ADHD partner feel unheard, unappreciated, and unvalued.  Alright, so we’ve established that it can be a challenge to me married to an ADHD adult. But, if…

I was talking with a client today about relationships And I articulated something that I don’t think I’ve said in such a clear and concise way. So I wanted to pass it along.   It is my opinion that much of the success of long lasting relationships has to do with finding a way to prioritize things that are of importance to your partner, even if they aren’t inherently important to you. Of course this is even harder for ADHDers because we have a hard finding the time or energy for things that we aren’t inherently stimulated by.  As for how to address this… I don’t know about you, but I enjoy doing nice things for my wife. And frankly, if you don’t enjoy doing nice things for your partner, I’m not sure you should be together. Now you just have to figure out what’s “nice” according to her, not necessarily according to you.  This concept can apply to everything, from the mundane to the monumental. As a small example, maybe starting her car on a cold morning is something that makes her feel loved. You might not care about your car being warm, so you don’t want to bother to put your boots and jacket on to do it for her?  On a larger scale, maybe you both have very different needs on vacation and need to understand each others’ points of view to be able to make it a vacation for both of you.

I saw my ADHD Dr. on Wednesday and he told me about this new texting program that he developed with MGH to help parents manage their kids’ ADHD. Anyone can use it. The first month is free. And, it may be available for adults in the future. Please check it out and let me know if you like it.