I recently received this email from a colleague, Joe Moldover. Joe is a great resource. If either of these topics piques your interest, I would consider attending. First, on Wednesday October 7 from 7:15 to 8:45 I will  be speaking on the topic of Nonverbal Learning Disability, Asperger’s Syndrome, and High Functioning Autism: Why the Confusion? This will be hosted at the Academy Metrowest in Natick. It is free of charge. RSVP to the Academy at 508 655 9200 or info@academymetrowest.com. Then, on Tuesday October 27 from 7-9 PM I am excited to be joined by Attorney Dan Heffernan and Dr. Scott McLeod for a free online webinar: Educating the Whole Child: Advocating and Caring for Students with Social/Emotional Disabilities. We had two very successful webinars last year; if you missed them they are posted online at www.drmoldover.com. One of the nice aspects of these events is that they are held live, and you will be able to submit questions and comments for Dan, Scott and I from the comfort of your home!

I’ve tried to apply the micro lesson learned on the roads of Boston to the macro of the rest of my life. I have impossibly high standards for myself. I’ve learned to mellow out on my self criticism over the years to my great benefit. I tend to still be pretty demanding of the world around me and the people in it. I can get frustrated/angry by little things that people do that I can perceive as rude or oblivious. For example, it drives me crazy when other kids are rude, pushy, or territorial at the playground. My kids are on the small size and my oldest is particularly conflict averse. He’ll just walk away and be sad rather than stand up for himself. But, in the grand scheme that’s a good thing. Anyway, when he was younger, I would get so angry at the parents who let their kids run wild and assumed that they were lazy or bad parents and that the kids were just undisciplined bad kids.  Five years later as my youngest is just playground age, I’m in a different place… most of the time. I think much of my progress has to do with my current profession. Rather than assuming “that kid” is just a jerk with bad parents, I’m much more likely to think that he/she must have some issue. Maybe Mom and/or Dad are great parents dealing with a challenging situation and a challenging child. This compassionate approach that is defined by empathy instead of anger was difficult to cultivate, for me at least. But it is a much more adaptive way to to go through life. Even if they are bad parents and the kid is an out of control spawn of satan… it doesn’t do me any good to think/assume that. There’s nothing I can do about it. That anger…

As part of the curriculum at coaching school we practiced coaching each other while supervised by our instructors. I found it to be the best part of my education there. ADDCA. Mostly I got a lot out of when I was coaching. But I remember one particular time that I got a lot out of being the volunteer client. I was being coached by a classmate who was German. Her name was Cordula. (Sp?) I was having trouble thinking about what to talk about. I didn’t want to bring up anything super deep or potentially time consuming. All I could think of was talking about how I get angry when behind the wheel. I am a very good drive. I happen to be gifted when it comes to spacial relationships. And I don’t have a lot of patience for those who are not as adept as I am on the roadways of the Greater Boston area.  Honestly, I didn’t even think there was much to talk about on this topic. But Cordula did a great job pulling out some typical ADHD negative thinking. As it turns out, she helped me realize that I was driving around assuming that everyone was a self-entitled, self-important, asshole. As a result, I was almost looking for other drivers to piss me off and was taking it personally when they did something outrageous. I would let the anger smolder and really upset me. Once Cordula helped me realize this, she proposed other options. Maybe someone in the other car is struggling with ADHD, had a tough day, etc.  The bottom line is that assuming something kind hearted about the person who just cut me off does two things. For one, it allows me to have empathy instead of anger. And, it allows me to move…

So, I know that initiation is probably the hardest part of sticking to a work out routine. And, if you are a regular reader, you know that I’m a huge believer in the power of exercise to help us with our attention. So, I do end up writing a bit on the subject. Well, here’s another one. I’ve been trying to keep track of my workouts and how I feel so I can share any tips and tricks I can. One thing that I’ve noticed is 13 minutes. At 13 minutes I start to feel better. My anxiety lessens, my head clears, my focus ramps up, and I start enjoying the workout if I hadn’t been already. So 13 minutes usually leads to 30 or even 40 -50 minutes.  So, I ask you this, person who has trouble getting the couch: can you do something for 13 minutes that will make you feel better? I think you can. Worst case scenario: you work out for 13 minutes a day!

At our last CHADD parents support group meeting of the year in June a family had a very strong positive recommendation for an educational advocate down in Attleboro. I have had no personal interaction, but the recommendation from the parent was strong enough that I thought I should post the name. I know how hard it is to find good advocates. Chris Atwood ckatwood52@comcast.net (508) 414-3380

I can’t remember if I posted on this already, but it is still on my list of things I want to blog about, so I guess not… I usually take the kids in the morning on Saturday and let my wife sleep. I take the kids food shopping to two or three different stores. It takes up to three hours, depending on everyone’s behavior and number of emergency trips to the bathroom. It is boring and tedious for all of us. The funny thing is that it goes better when I work out first. When I get up early enough to get 30 minutes on the spin bike before we go shopping, everything goes better. The kids have better behavior, it usually goes quicker, and I’m not as drained afterwards. This is not a small sample size either. My oldest is 6. This phenomenon has been shown to be true for years. When I’m centered and producing all the neurochemicals I need, when I’ve gotten exercise, and am able to “reset” by going to my meditative exercise place, my mood and attention are so demonstrably better that it effects those around me. Pretty powerful to know about one’s self. I bet I’m not alone.

One of my first experiences in learning the power of positive energy happened when I was a senior in high school. I played many sports as a kid, but settled on ultimate frisbee by my sophomore/junior year in high school. (Google it if you haven’t heard of it. It is a legitimate athletic endeavor.) I was a captain that year of a team that was one of the 3 or 4 best teams on the east coast.  In our last tournament of the season at Columbia HS in NJ, we were playing the host team. They were great kids, wonderful hosts, and good players. But they were not our equals. We had a real chance to win this tournament, which we couldn’t achieve if we lost to Columbia HS. (For the record, I may not get all the details exactly right. It has been almost 20 years. But I think you’ll get the gist of it.)  The game was to 15. We were playing horribly. As we feel further behind I got very frustrated at our lack of intensity, simple mistakes, and general poor play. I reacted with anger, outward frustration and negativity. Needless to say, that was not an effective motivational tactic for my teammates. Eventually we were down 10 – 5. It was not looking good. One of my coaches pulled me from the game at sat down with me away from the rest of the team. He calmed me down and pointed out that my attitude was affecting the team negatively and was perpetuating the poor play. I wasn’t sure I bought it, but I trusted my coach and was smart enough to know that what I was doing wasn’t working. So, I flipped a switch when I went back after Columbia scored again to make it 5 – 11. I was…

Some background on my Aunt Judy. She was a tough lady. She was a buyer, mostly paper goods, for super market chains and distribution companies. It was almost exclusively a men’s world, but that didn’t bother her. And, she always drove a sports car, just like the guys. I think this story comes through my Dad. But it illustrates a wonderful point, and a point that is particularly important to many of us ADHDers. My Aunt once applied for a job. As I recall it was a big position at a well known company. She felt she had a great interview, but then didn’t hear anything for several days. Based on the interview she was expecting to be contacted. But, still nothing. Being that she was a real go-getter, she didn’t wait too long. After a week she followed up with a phone call to the guy who had interviewed her. I honestly don’t remember if the job ended up working out or not. But that’s not the point. When she followed up, she learned that this company did not call applicants back after their interviews, no matter how well the interview went. They would only hire people who wanted the job bad enough to follow up.  Obviously, not every situation is quite the mind bleep that that one was. But it still illustrates a great point. Following up shows initiative, desire, interest, a positive outlook, and perseverance. It could be the thing that sets you apart from the field and get you the job. It can also be a valuable learning experience. If you find out that you finished second, at least you know you are barking of the right tree, and your follow up could lead to opportunities with that company in the future. If you didn’t fare so well, a brief…

My last client ends at 5:20 many days. That gives me 10 minutes to get out of the house and pick up my son. His baseball practices are at 6pm. My frisbee games are at 6:30. If I have to pick up both kids, it can be an hour round trip. All of this makes me crazy… and then I get used to being crazy. I had a chance last week to not have an evening commitment, not have to pick up my daughter, and I didn’t have a late client. I worked hard until about 5 and then I sat in a lawn chair in my garden, took some deep breaths, and relaxed. I found that I was a much more effective parent that night.  Obviously, we can’t always have that time. But, I suggest finding it where you can, even if it’s sitting in your car by yourself in silence before you go in to pick up the kids. I think it makes a difference.

Well, I’m on the mend. I’m on Wellbutrin now. So far no side effects. Feeling better mood wise. Not doing much for the anxiety though. But there have been moments when I felt really happy and energetic. That’s cool. Can’t say it has affected my attention… I don’t think. Having never been on this before I’m happy to have the opportunity to share with everyone my personal experience with it. Stay tuned! (Plus non-depression based post coming soon!)

So, during my anxiety-ridden winter of stress, while fighting off a major depression and popping Ativan like it was my job, I realized something: My son’s behavior is greatly effected by my mood. When I’m on edge and nit picking everything, he is very sensitive to it. Ultimately, it puts him under pressure and his behavior is worse.  Not that his behavior is the end all be all. I’m more concerned about his well being. And, to realize that I’m bringing stress to him unnecessarily really crushed me. He’s a great kid, but has his own anxiety issues. I only make them worse by being on him all the time. After all he’s only 6. He is wonderful, compassionate, sensitive, smart, capable, and brave. Sure, he’s got stuff to work on, but I need to work on what to let go.  I so desperately want to be “consistent” and not let him “get away with” anything, that I sometimes don’t parent situationally. In a way, this brief depressive episode was a good thing because it taught me that letting some things go is as important as being consistent about other things. And, when I let up, we both win because I have the energy to wrestle in the back yard and have the fun with him that does us both good.

I pride myself on being a consistently inconsistent blogger. I am serious about not being the ADHD guy who starts a blog and doesn’t keep it up. But, knowing myself, my life, my schedule, etc., I know that I’m not the kind of guy who will religiously post every Thursday or something like that. I tend to post in bursts on my off weeks from coaching or other times that I have “free.”  But, it has been almost exactly a month since I posted. Here’s why: I recently recently got back together with my ex… depression. This isn’t the easiest thing to post on my website, especially since I use my website as a marketing tool. For the most part I like to portray me as the organized, efficient, together guy that I am most of the time. But if I’m totally honest with myself and the world, I think it is appropriate to point out that I don’t have it all figured out all the time. I hope that admitting my struggles and my vulnerabilities shows something as important as my strengths and accomplishments. So here goes… I am genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety from both sides of my family. I had my first major depressive episode in college at age 19. The psychiatrist that I was seeing at the time, who was an idiot, totally missed it. Long story short: he put me on a tricyclic antidepressant, but took me off my ritalin. So, it unintentionally moderated the depression… kinda’. But only kinda moderated the ADHD symptoms. That was a very difficult time in my life. I think it could have been much less shitty and shorter if I had been getting better care. (Ultimately, I went back to my pediatric psychopharmacologist and he got me back on track. I still see him at 36 yrs old.)…