Communication is maybe the most important aspect of any marriage or intimate relationship. Some might say honesty. Some might say love. Some might say having aligned values. Some might say sexual intimacy. Some might say compatibility. I probably wouldn’t argue with anyone who said any of those things. Making a marriage last is a complicated endeavor. But most of those things can be screwed up by a lack of communication. So, maybe I’m right after all. And, this is one of those topics that is both an ADHD topic and a general Life Coach topic. It’s come up in my life recently and it’s come up with several of my clients lately. As a side note, I wonder when similar themes come up with multiple clients at the same time if it is just coincidence or if I’m somehow influencing the system. That’s a philosophical meandering that I will probably delete before I post this. Anyway, back to communication. We all know that real estate is about location, location, location. And I always say that ADHD is about planning, planning, planning! But, that’s not the easiest thing in the world if you say, have attentional issues, executive dysfunction, and decision making struggles. Or if your spouse does. Or if you both do. Living life in modern America is reasonably complex, unless you go all Henry David Thoreau and live in a cabin on a lake by yourself. (Good luck with that.) Running a household in modern America where both parents work and two kids have their own stuff going on is a tremendously complex endeavor. How can you possibly make that work without communicating? As I said, this is a human problem. But it is made worse by ADHD. Interestingly I’ve seen ADHDers respond in very different ways. Some of…

Quick thought on accommodations today. I’ve recently gone through the IEP process with my oldest. And I’ve recently done the one year follow up with my youngest. 13 and almost 8 years old respectively. (Yes, I now have a teenager. Yikes!) As a consequence I have thought even more than usual about accommodations. I cannot tell you how many times I have dealt with a school system that has been more than willing to grant extended time to ADHD kids for in class assignments like tests and quizzes but looks at you like you have three heads when you ask for extended time for written assignments or homework in general. This has always pissed me off. But I have finally come to a place where I can succinctly articulate why it drives me so batty. If a kid has a slower processing speed when presented with an in class task during the day that is likely estimated at 30-50 minutes in length, how long do you think it will take them to complete a long term writing assignment that may be a four, six, or eight our project for their neurotypical counterparts? I always try to ask my kids how long they are spending on assignments compared to the average kid. I’m not trying to get them to compare themselves to others. That’s a big no-no. I’m just trying to get a metric for how much harder or longer they are working than their peers. If all their friends say they have 1 ½ hours of homework and they have four hours… that’s a problem. That’s a factor of 2.67 if my math is correct. That’s a big deal. They aren’t going to be able to withstand a really busy week or a day when they get homework in all…

Really quick one today. Y’all know that I don’t do ANYTHING without music, podcast, sports, etc. As such, I like to share new podcasts that I get into. I recommend Time Suck with the comedian Dan Cummins. It’s weird, a little dirty, funny, and very educational. He takes a deep dive researching some weird topic that used to be a “time suck” for him. Now he makes it a funny podcast and we all get to learn. Check it out… if you’re over… 14… maybe.

Quick nugget today. I haven’t written much about my task management system, 10 steps to a badass To Do List because I consider it kind of a proprietary system that, once upon a time, pre pandemic, I was writing a book about. But there is one To Do List adjacent topic I want to discuss today, as it has cropped up in my life heavily in the last few weeks. Whatever your system is for keeping track of the things you need to get done, or if you don’t have a system, those things probably cause you anxiety when there are a lot of them. And when we have anxiety about tasks we tend to avoid them. Of course that is a protective mechanism, psychologically. But it is maladaptive in terms of the overall outcome. I think it is really important to remember that the things we need to do actually exist in an objective reality. If we don’t write them down or capture them somehow, they still exist. If we ignore them and play video games, they still exist. If we pretend to be productive by “keeping busy” doing unimportant things, the important stuff still exists. And my experience tells me that almost nothing ever gets better by ignoring it. Occasionally, we miss an opportunity to do something and it simply goes away. But that’s not usually in a good way. Almost always things get worse when we ignore them… yet we do. I have found it helpful to accept that there will be feelings of being overwhelmed and being anxious. Those feelings aren’t going to go away. They certainly aren’t going to go away by avoiding things that are going to get worse and, therefore, more overwhelming and anxiety producing. We have to learn to sit with those…

It looks like I haven’t posted since December 22nd. And, I will admit that that seems like a lifetime ago. This third wave, third variant, third winter, third strike, whatever you want to call it, has been hard on many of us. I’m not doing great. My clients aren’t doing great. My kids aren’t doing great. My friends aren’t doing great. I really hope you are. But if you are, know that you are the outlyer. I’ve stopped playing the drums and stopped posting blog entries. That’s one important thing from each half of my life that I just haven’t had time for. They are similar in that they feel cumulative. What’s the point of practice the drums once a week? And, what’s the point of posting once a month? The drums… that’s supposed to be fun. It’s not feeling that way right now. So, I’m on hiatus. That’s okay. I’m surviving. I’m putting most of my personal care time into an increased effort to work out and get back in shape now that my foot is healed. As for posting, that’s not fun. It’s work and it’s important. And it’s important to do it as often as I can and in whatever format I can. So, as I remind myself, I will remind you as well: now is a great time to reevaluate how much we have on our plate. What can we get rid of? What can we modify to make more manageable. How can we focus on what’s really important. For me, in the context of my blogging, I think you can look forward to more regular, but briefer posts on topical stuff that I can bang out in fifteen minutes like this one. And, hopefully, that means you can read them in only a few minutes…

It is no secret that ADHDers often have trouble with writing. But, as with most aspects of ADHD there is an element of counterintuitiveness with this struggle. Because this writing affliction strikes our population equally regardless of how well spoken and articulate we are. If you don’t understand how we’re wired, it will seem very strange that so many of us can speak clearly and articulately but when it comes to expressing our thoughts in writing we seem to lose our minds, get anxious, and can’t keep a linear train of thought. So what’s this all about? Since I have gone through this type of struggle myself and come out the other side, I’ve felt uniquely qualified to deconstruct my writing process in order to understand how I went from anxious, convoluted, and avoidant to confident, linear, and effective. As such, I’ve deconstructed my writing process to be able to teach it to other, similarly wired ADHDers. This is what I’ve learned about us… and writing in general. In order to write something good we have to do three things. We have to create content: ideas. We have to create structure: make it linear and understandable. And, we have to create language, craft the right words. Generally speaking, we as ADHDers, are pretty good at the first and the third things. But we struggle mightily with the structure part. Since organization is a core executive function and most of us struggle with executive functions in one way or another, this is a catch point. And, any topic of sufficient depth or complexity will require another key executive function, working memory, which is the ability to hold things in one’s mind and manipulate them. So, if you are sitting with a blank piece of paper or at a computer with nothing…

I added the last part. And, I’ll get to that. But I always thought that the first part was Shakespeare. Turns out, not so. It was most notably used by Alexander Pope, English poet and essayist in the early 18th century. But it roots may go back as for as Plutarch. (Thanks Gramarist.com.) But leave it to an ADHDer to start his post with a digression. My kids are pharmacologically… complicated. I do the Dr.’s appointments and run point on the meds, partly because being the “primary parent” is my role in the family and partly because that’s kind of my area of expertise. Well, it’s my area adjacent. So I know a lot about pharmacology. Not counting the one of every fourth week when I fill all of my pill containers for the whole month, I fill all my kids weekly containers on Saturdays. Depending on what they are currently on, if I’m packing stuff to drop off at school, that can be up to eight different weekly pill boxes plus four bottles to go to two different schools. Lately, we’ve been weening one of our boys off several meds that haven’t been working and may be making things worse. That’s a slow, multi-week process. And, our other boy is experimenting with some different stuff that we are trying to manage week to week as we judge the short term ramifications. I only give you this background to illustrate that over the last 6 weeks or so, I don’t think the kids have had their pill boxes fill the same two weeks in a row once. I know what I’m doing. I know the plan. All the boxes are in some way color-coded or labeled and when it gets really, really complicated, I take notes from our doctor’s appointments,…

I just turned 43. So maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe my brain plasticity is decreasing. Although… They used to say that adults had no brain plasticity. Now they say we do, just less than kids. They long ago figured out that the universe was expanding. I’m taking their word for it. Of course, I also took their word for the fact that it was expanding but slowing down. Now they tell me that the rate of expansion is increasing. Okay. Doesn’t really affect my life either way. So I’m going to roll with it. But it can get a little frustrating when science “changes its mind” about things that hit closer to home. I remember when it was a big revelation that the human brain wasn’t fully developed until age 25. This, of course, has huge implications for ADHDers, who generally lag behind in maturity and brain development. I’ve been telling clients and their parents this lovely stat for years. Well, today, I opened up my email and there is an article from ADDitude that says, “The brain’s frontal lobes, which are involved in ADHD, continue to mature until we reach age 35.” That seems like a major change. Honestly I haven’t even opened the article yet. It threw me for such a loop, I decided to just write this on the spot. It doesn’t even really surprise me. Looking back at my own life and at the late 20’s/ early 30’s clients who I’ve had, I could make an argument that for certain people, lags in impulse control, emotional regulation, and maturity persist beyond 25 disproportionately to other ADHD symptoms. Or is that just confirmation bias, now that I’ve read this? I don’t really know. I’m trying to think hard about it before I read the article and…