My Blog: ADHD Since 1978-

Why I don’t believe in procrastination

First of all, I’m using voice recognition on my phone to write this sitting in a parking lot while my youngest is in OT. I hope it works. And I hope it comes out legible and linear. Hooray technology! Hooray multitasking! So I don’t believe in procrastination. I believe it is a label we put on a behavior that we don’t understand. Nobody gets up in the morning and says to themselves, I’ve got something really important to do and it’s going to negatively affect me if I don’t do it but, damn it, I’m just not going to do it anyway. It might look like that from the outside. But nobody makes that conscious choice to fail. Many wise people have said to me, people succeed when they can. I’ve been talking about this not believing in procrastination with my clients for years. I do that because almost everyone I work with lists procrastination is one of the top three things they want to fix in coaching. But that’s like saying I want to fix my grades. Are you going to break into this school computer and fix your grades? Because grades are not a thing that exists in and of themselves in a vacuum. They’re the result of weeks and months worth of accumulated behaviors. Coaching, at its core, is behavioral intervention. So it’s my job to figure out what’s the underlying situation when a client tells me they have a problem with procrastination. The reason I am writing this particular entry now after talking about procrastination for so many years with so many clients is that I think I finally have a good way to articulate what’s going on underneath the surface. Imagine an old school balance scale like the one that the statue of Justice holds.…

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Don’t Reinvent the Wheel Systematize And Things Won’t Fall Through The Cracks

One of the biggest problems that my clients and ADHDers in general have is that when they run into a problem, they are so stressed, overwhelmed, pressed for time, or perceive themselves to be rushed that they slap a proverbial band-aid on the problem but don’t take the time to really fix the underlying problem. (Side note: did I just start a post with a three line long sentence? FYI: I’m not fixing it!) Suggestion: Take a deep breath. Realize that you have a moment to at least capture said problem and potential solution on something like a To Do List. Then it won’t leave your mind for good and you have some hope of coming back to it later and really fixing the underlying problem. ‘Cause when we aren’t in the heat of the moment, we’re actually pretty good at fixing stuff… most of the time, if we’re not super anxious. Real answer: systematize the s*** out of everything. Don’t go reinventing the wheel. We’ve got lots of wheels. Wheels are cool. No doubt. Invent something different. Example: When I book a new client I do five’ish things RELIGIOUSLY: I send the new client a welcome email with permanent scheduling options based on my “master schedule,” which is an excel spreadsheet. No double bookings or confusion. Contained in the welcome email is my welcome packet: Coaching agreement, Client contact info sheet, two forms of the coaching schedule for the rest of the year (different learning styles like the calendar and the text version, so I give both,) & My Rates Sheet. All of these live in a single folder on my desktop. Easy peasy… you know the rest. I add the client to my google address book under the client group with email and cell phone. Because there is…

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ADHD friendly professional themes

I recognize that I and my practice is a small sample size. However, there is a body of research backing up what I’m about to write. So bear with me. I just don’t happen to have all the citations I should probably have. Picking your partner is probably the single most important decision that contributes to your happiness in life. Pick the right career(s) is a close second. Somewhere in there is making sure you are sleeping enough and well enough. Because between those three things, work, sleep, spouse, you’re looking at about 95% of your life. If any of them are out of whack… good luck. I really want to emphasize that there are really strong trends with us ADHDers but that we are still all our own unique snowflakes. Even “the vast majority” does not mean “all.” But here are some things to think about when considering a career and/or a career change. I’ll start by breaking down my current clients by profession. This is just a moment in time. A snapshot. And, it is inherently biased, influenced by me and my style. But… 3 Doctors, Pedi ER, Family Doc, Dev. Pedi 3 Computer Programmers / Tech People 2 Nurses 2 Therapist/Social Workers 2 Artist 1 Teacher, Elementary PE 1 Artist/Teacher/Entrepreneur 1 UPS driver 4 College Students (Med school, PreVet, Entertainment/Media, Anthro) 1 High School Student I would say that this is actually pretty representative of my practice over the ten years I’ve been coaching. Except I usually have more teachers. Here’s what you see. Start with the most obvious, the UPS driver, but go deeper. Of the 15 adult clients, there are 5 people who move for a living. There are 9 people who are in helping professions. 2 more who are training to be. 3 Artists.…

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Own our own oddness

I will preface this by saying that I know that this is easier said than done. But I think the secret to life is not giving a shit what the world thinks about you. Of course, I believe myself to be a moral, ethical, good person. And, there are definitely people out there who need the restraints of what people think to keep them in line. But in our ADHD tribe, at least amongst the folks with whom I deal, there is a profound lack of confidence, a sense that everyone is judging us. And, I am not worried about us running amok when freed from this anxiety. We should not fear the proverbial scarlet letter. On the contrary. We should wear our “A” proudly. I think I’ll write a longer post about how to really build self esteem in the near future. That’s complicated. It could be a lengthy and meditative piece. But, I’ll be pithy and to the point today. Three things prompted me to write this post. I saw a woman in a black hoodie at Wegmans last week that had a very simple message on it in white letters: “I’m not for everyone.” I loved it. I was talking with a client yesterday who referred to herself back in med school as “the barefoot girl.” She was remembering a time when she didn’t care what anyone thought. I suggested that she get back in touch with the “barefoot girl” and stop caring again. My favorite palm tree on vacation. See picture. All the other palm trees are reaching for the sky. But one seems to be going for the ocean. And it seems to be doing fine! Personally, I’m much more skeptical of the millions of people doing the exact same thing than I am of…

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Perspective

As I return from a two week vacation, the first I’ve taken since my honeymoon almost 17 years ago, I have a new perspective on some things. I was reminded on the rainy day that we spend in Punta Cana that a rainy day in paradise is still a day in paradise. I think this is a lesson that I can translate into my everyday life. As bad as some things have gotten there is still much to be grateful for. Hopefully this resonates with y’all. “

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New Entry

Communication is maybe the most important aspect of any marriage or intimate relationship. Some might say honesty. Some might say love. Some might say having aligned values. Some might say sexual intimacy. Some might say compatibility. I probably wouldn’t argue with anyone who said any of those things. Making a marriage last is a complicated endeavor. But most of those things can be screwed up by a lack of communication. So, maybe I’m right after all. And, this is one of those topics that is both an ADHD topic and a general Life Coach topic. It’s come up in my life recently and it’s come up with several of my clients lately. As a side note, I wonder when similar themes come up with multiple clients at the same time if it is just coincidence or if I’m somehow influencing the system. That’s a philosophical meandering that I will probably delete before I post this. Anyway, back to communication. We all know that real estate is about location, location, location. And I always say that ADHD is about planning, planning, planning! But, that’s not the easiest thing in the world if you say, have attentional issues, executive dysfunction, and decision making struggles. Or if your spouse does. Or if you both do. Living life in modern America is reasonably complex, unless you go all Henry David Thoreau and live in a cabin on a lake by yourself. (Good luck with that.) Running a household in modern America where both parents work and two kids have their own stuff going on is a tremendously complex endeavor. How can you possibly make that work without communicating? As I said, this is a human problem. But it is made worse by ADHD. Interestingly I’ve seen ADHDers respond in very different ways. Some of…

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Boredom is our Kryptonite

Some of us are acutely aware of how we bend over backwards to avoid boredom, the possibility of boredom, the perception of boredom, or even the suggestion of boredom. But some ADHDers do it so instinctually, that they don’t even know that they are doing it.   Today’s post is sort of a challenge. I’m asking you to think about your behaviour. Think about the things that you struggle to do consistently. Think about the things you avoid. Think about why you are late. How much of it has to avoiding things that are, or even could be boring?   Sure there are other behavioral motivators and demotivators in there. But at our core, we hate being bored. We will seek stimulation almost at all costs. We’ll leave late because getting there early seems like a death sentence of tedium… plus the rush of driving fast is stimulating in and of itself.   We will avoid writing the report because it is torturously boring. We’d much rather do professional networking. We’re good at that and people are stimulation, not boring. And, hey, that’s part of my job too, right.   Just a few examples. And this behavioural template doesn’t manifest the same with all ADHDers. But I challenge you to be really introspective. No bullshit. Not magical thinking. Where does you bordesom Kryptonite bring you to your knees?       ”  

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Extended time for…???

Quick thought on accommodations today. I’ve recently gone through the IEP process with my oldest. And I’ve recently done the one year follow up with my youngest. 13 and almost 8 years old respectively. (Yes, I now have a teenager. Yikes!) As a consequence I have thought even more than usual about accommodations. I cannot tell you how many times I have dealt with a school system that has been more than willing to grant extended time to ADHD kids for in class assignments like tests and quizzes but looks at you like you have three heads when you ask for extended time for written assignments or homework in general. This has always pissed me off. But I have finally come to a place where I can succinctly articulate why it drives me so batty. If a kid has a slower processing speed when presented with an in class task during the day that is likely estimated at 30-50 minutes in length, how long do you think it will take them to complete a long term writing assignment that may be a four, six, or eight our project for their neurotypical counterparts? I always try to ask my kids how long they are spending on assignments compared to the average kid. I’m not trying to get them to compare themselves to others. That’s a big no-no. I’m just trying to get a metric for how much harder or longer they are working than their peers. If all their friends say they have 1 ½ hours of homework and they have four hours… that’s a problem. That’s a factor of 2.67 if my math is correct. That’s a big deal. They aren’t going to be able to withstand a really busy week or a day when they get homework in all…

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Cult of the Curious?

Really quick one today. Y’all know that I don’t do ANYTHING without music, podcast, sports, etc. As such, I like to share new podcasts that I get into. I recommend Time Suck with the comedian Dan Cummins. It’s weird, a little dirty, funny, and very educational. He takes a deep dive researching some weird topic that used to be a “time suck” for him. Now he makes it a funny podcast and we all get to learn. Check it out… if you’re over… 14… maybe.

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Adapt and overcome & Fitness Tip #1

I’m pretty sure that’s the motto of the Navy Seals. I feel like we’ve all had to be special forces in one way or another in the past few years, especially as ADHDers. I’ve been adapting with my blog but not fast enough. As the peaks and valleys of the pandemic have rolled through, I’ve gone through times of pure survival and times of limited thriving. As I look back over my last few post, I looks like I did some straightforward topics but had the time to do some lengthy writing… then a month or so off. My goal has always been consistency. So, if I don’t have the time to post longer form material, I want to be in touch with those of you who read the blog regularly. It may speak to my competence of ego that I feel I have enough to offer that I should be getting it out into the world, whether in larger chunks or smaller bits.   For the near future, with birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, vacations, anniversaries… and life on the horizon, I’m going to adapt and refocus yet again. I’m going to go back to shorter tips based posts for a little while. But I plan to post at least once a week, maybe even more. In fact, I’ve been doing a guest gig for a website with some fitness tips. Don’t get jealous. I still love you guys the most. I my cross pollinate and share some of those here.   As we know, exercise is one important piece of the puzzle in managing ADHD. It’s not the biggest piece. I tend to think of it as about 15% or my ADHD management pie chart and closer to 25% or my Depression/Anxiety management pie chart. So, I think I’ll try…

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The power of persistence and calm

Quick nugget today. I haven’t written much about my task management system, 10 steps to a badass To Do List because I consider it kind of a proprietary system that, once upon a time, pre pandemic, I was writing a book about. But there is one To Do List adjacent topic I want to discuss today, as it has cropped up in my life heavily in the last few weeks. Whatever your system is for keeping track of the things you need to get done, or if you don’t have a system, those things probably cause you anxiety when there are a lot of them. And when we have anxiety about tasks we tend to avoid them. Of course that is a protective mechanism, psychologically. But it is maladaptive in terms of the overall outcome. I think it is really important to remember that the things we need to do actually exist in an objective reality. If we don’t write them down or capture them somehow, they still exist. If we ignore them and play video games, they still exist. If we pretend to be productive by “keeping busy” doing unimportant things, the important stuff still exists. And my experience tells me that almost nothing ever gets better by ignoring it. Occasionally, we miss an opportunity to do something and it simply goes away. But that’s not usually in a good way. Almost always things get worse when we ignore them… yet we do. I have found it helpful to accept that there will be feelings of being overwhelmed and being anxious. Those feelings aren’t going to go away. They certainly aren’t going to go away by avoiding things that are going to get worse and, therefore, more overwhelming and anxiety producing. We have to learn to sit with those…

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Back in survive mode?

It looks like I haven’t posted since December 22nd. And, I will admit that that seems like a lifetime ago. This third wave, third variant, third winter, third strike, whatever you want to call it, has been hard on many of us. I’m not doing great. My clients aren’t doing great. My kids aren’t doing great. My friends aren’t doing great. I really hope you are. But if you are, know that you are the outlyer. I’ve stopped playing the drums and stopped posting blog entries. That’s one important thing from each half of my life that I just haven’t had time for. They are similar in that they feel cumulative. What’s the point of practice the drums once a week? And, what’s the point of posting once a month? The drums… that’s supposed to be fun. It’s not feeling that way right now. So, I’m on hiatus. That’s okay. I’m surviving. I’m putting most of my personal care time into an increased effort to work out and get back in shape now that my foot is healed. As for posting, that’s not fun. It’s work and it’s important. And it’s important to do it as often as I can and in whatever format I can. So, as I remind myself, I will remind you as well: now is a great time to reevaluate how much we have on our plate. What can we get rid of? What can we modify to make more manageable. How can we focus on what’s really important. For me, in the context of my blogging, I think you can look forward to more regular, but briefer posts on topical stuff that I can bang out in fifteen minutes like this one. And, hopefully, that means you can read them in only a few minutes…

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