My Blog: ADHD Since 1978-

A Schedule Gone Awry

I haven’t written anything about scheduling in a while. Nor have I posted the schedule. One of the reasons is that, after years of writing out schedules, I have internalized many of those skills and don’t often have to make a schedule. I work right off my to do list and achieve the same level of productivity. (By the way, I’m finally back to working on my book about the perfect ADHD to do list. So keep an eye out for that. My goal is to finish it this summer.) I do still make an actual schedule once in a while. Usually it is for a day where I have lots of “free time” but a whole lot to get done. I definitely still make a schedule on Thanksgiving. Otherwise, how would I know what time to start cooking? And I’ve got that down to a science. I don’t think I started cooking this year until 1 o’clock. Not counting the pie. Anyway, this was a similar day. I had a large culinary project to do. My annual double batch of strawberry rhubarb jam, plus an extra batch so I’d have something nice to give to the kids teachers as an end of year thank you. In the past, I have posted schedules that were a perfect 10 where I stuff the landing. And I posted schedules that did not go as planned. The idea is to show you that you can achieve a schedule that is accurate. But I also like to demonstrate that, even though I teach this stuff for a living, I don’t always nail it. So it is with much humbleness that I post this schedule for my jam making day, which went so far off the rails, it’s hard to believe I even made a…

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ADHD Moms… and Dads!

A quick post on mom’s and dad’s. I am a dad. I am married to a mom. I have both a dad and a mom. I live in a society where some people enjoy “traditional gender roles.” Some people are forced into “traditional gender roles.” But a lot of us Live in a wonderful post feminist world where those roles don’t so much apply anymore. My wife and I both work. But she works more and is the primary breadwinner. I’m home with the kids more often. I do the cooking but I also mow the lawn. Each play through our strengths to achieve the goals of what we call Team Reid. As a dad who cooks, and cleans, and takes the kids to the doctor, I really resent all of the articles that I see about being a mom with ADHD. I know, I should stop complaining. I’m a white, suburban, vaguely protestant, man. But I do think framing a mother’s journey as a person with ADHD or parent of a child with ADHD, or both, isn’t fair to dad’s or mom’s. I feel like the journey of a parent is universal. I will say that the one place I noticed a difference is that mom’s sometimes have more “mom guilt.” But I’ve even seen that change over the years. Men don’t always show it or experience it in the same way, but many of my clients who are dads experience a tremendous amount of guilt and worry about balancing the breadwinning with being present and emotionally available for their kids. As a generation trying not to be Dan Draper, it’s a bold New World for us men as well. We often don’t have a lot of role models as to how to be present at home and fill…

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Is it ADHD, Anxiety, or Depression?

I hope this post will synthesize the ideas that I’ve discussed in the last several weeks. Because productivity is largely about identifying priorities, executing those priorities, recognizing urgency, but making time for things that aren’t necessarily urgent so they don’t become urgent. If you’re only dealing with things once you get to the freak out point, it is inherently inefficient and stressful. And we need to talk about the things that are never really urgent. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but #Adulting has a really big component of stuff that’s important but doesn’t have any buddy putting a gun to your head about them. Yes, that means paying the bills, seeing the doctor, picking up the kids. All the stuff that is not optional and has either a deadline or potentially catastrophic negative affects if not done. Things like filing your taxes aren’t urgent… until they get super urgent. Put a lot of my clients spend a tremendous amount of energy, pretty much all of their energy, I’m dealing with emergencies and don’t have a lot left. To be honest, I would also suggest that a lot of those emergencies are at least partially self generated. Not that I want to blame anyone for for untreated ADHD, depression, anxiety. That’s not my point. My point is that there are emergencies that the universe just throws at us. Your car breaks down. Your kids in the hospital. A tree falls on your house. Those are legitimate emergencies. Having to stay up all night to do your taxes because you left them until April 14, knowing for well that every year they are due on April 15, is a self generated emergency. Again, I’m not blaming. I’m just making a distinction. But the point is that if we are handling our…

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Some thoughts on ADHD and anxiety

Anxiety is a crazy thing. I find it fascinating how it interacts with ADHD. In just the right amount, anxiety can compensate for some aspects of ADHD. But it’s a delicate dance trying to maintain just that right amount. Not enough anxiety means not enough urgency which might mean not getting things done. Too much urgency or too much to do can lead to being overwhelmed and freaking out. That will usually result in avoidance behavior, freezing or maybe even trigger a greater depression. A lot of people come to me having somewhat managed their ADHD accidentally through anxiety for many years. Ultimately, it is a brutal way to live and it’s not sustainable indefinitely. Eventually the things that we’re not getting to pile up and feed that anxiety. I would encourage you to think about how you manage the things in your life that don’t have urgency attached to them, or at least don’t have an urgency attached to them yet. If, upon reflection, you’re not really getting anything done unless it’s with your back against the wall, I would suggest that that’s an area to work on. Of course, the first step is realizing that you’re still using anxiety to get your work done. But where to go from there? I’m not sure I have the world’s best answer. But I’m writing this because I wanted to share some of the things that I’ve noticed in my practice over the last several years. As always,, disclaimer, I am an ADHD coach. I am not a doctor. However, between personal, family, and client experience, I am not uneducated in the ways of depression and anxiety as well. There are definitely other possibilities. But most often, when I am working with someone who is struggling to execute in their daily…

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How to define important?

As promised last week, let’s think about what’s important. As we remember back to the concept of tasks that are some variety of urgent and some variety of important we have to understand what those two concepts mean. I think everyone understands urgent. I’ve never had a lot of confusion with that. But important… that’s a different story. When I talk about task management, I use the phrase the machinery of moving life forward. What does that mean? Yes, there are the obvious things like paying the mortgage, feeding your kids, getting your car inspected. But what about maintaining social relationships? What about self-care? As much as I consider myself a maniacally efficient person. I spent a lot of my day grinding through my to do list. I also work out almost every day, meditate when I need to, get eight hours of sleep, eat well and have a decent amount of downtime. I watch a lot of European soccer. Fundamentally, as human beings, think we need to live balanced lives. As ADHD humans, I think this is even more important. Unless you’re grinding away at something that you’re super passionate about, everything will get worse if you don’t maintain a certain amount of balance. For my wife, going to the salon and getting her nails done every couple of weeks, relaxing and spending a few hours without the kids, is really important. It’s beautification, self-care, and personal time. For me, exercise, downtime, and social interaction. The latter is the hardest and the one that I have to work on the most. But they’re all important. So giving yourself that psychological space, but also the actual time to do things like, make an appointment to get a massage, to get reservations and a babysitter so you can go out to…

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Prioritization isn’t a real thing!?

I started to write an entry on how ADHD and anxiety intermingle. But there were issues raised that I need to address before I dive into that topic. First, we need to talk about prioritization. Prioritization is an aspect of task management. I don’t write blog posts on my system for task management because I like to save that for my clients, and I’m working on a book on topic. One of my favorite prioritization models is William Covey’s Covey quadrants. Check it out here. I don’t really like to think of this quadrants. I just think of categories. And the bottom line is, that for those of us with ADHD, we only want to concern ourselves with the first two categories. If it is not important we shouldn’t waste our time with it. I think my next post will be about what is important. So put a pin in that for later. So really we are dealing with things that are important and urgent and things that are important but not urgent. But I recently had an epiphany that importance and urgency both exist on a spectrum. They’re not black-and-white concepts. So for everything you need to do you need to assess both importance and urgency. I visualize mapping points on an X and Y axis. But reality is much squishier. I think we really only get in trouble with prioritization when we are anxious and try to overthink it. The reality Is that there isn’t a magical perfect order to do things in. As long as you’re not avoiding the elephant at the top of your list, it largely doesn’t matter what order you do things in. Everything you get done is a victory, as long as it is inherently important. There’s that word important again. Keep that…

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 8: In your earbuds

I haven’t posted my favorite podcasts lately. So here are some thought and hopefully some wisdom. I don’t think we understand why, completely. But it is pretty clear that, if we choose the right media, we are more productive and struggle less at boring tasks when we have something interesting to listen to while we work. Here are a couple of things that have worked for me lately and some recommendations. Did you know that you can set your Audible app to playback at faster than normal speed? It’s amazing. Though I appreciate the performances of the voice actors, sometime my jacked-up ADHD brain needs to consume my audio at between 1.1x and 1.5x speed. Game changer. Lately, I’ve been listening to audiobooks of things I read in my twenties. I know I liked them, but I don’t remember the details. It’s like getting a recommendation from the world’s most perfect algorithm. I just finished Ender’s Shadow with my 15 year old. (One of the sequels to Ender’s Game, the best book ever.) Great way to kill time, not be bored, and bond with him on the way to the orthodontist, or wherever. Here are some podcasts that I have listened to and enjoyed since the last time I posted recommendations. Your stupid opinions. Comedy. A little raunchy. Not for kids. Fraudsters. Comedy, current events, history. Semi-adult. Time suck. Funny, raunchy, very educational. Chris Simms, unbuttoned. If you are a football fan, it’s very in depth without being boring. Swearing. My Dad wrote a porno. Adult. Hysterical. A few years old. I think I will relisten to it. Happy listening, getting stuff done while listening, and listening at crazy fast speeds!

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 7: It’s still about time

I think we have established that time is weird for us. A big thing might not feel hard, if it’s a thing that lights our fire. And a small thing can feel overwhelming because it is boring or tedious. I have found one strategy particularly helpful when it comes to getting through those difficult-because-they-are-boring tasks in life. Put simply: know how long things take. I’m a guy who feels like he can get through almost anything, as long as I know how long it is going to take. Of course, I’m being hyperbolic. There is definitely a threshold at which I will endure only limited suckage. But I’ve found that most of the things that I have avoided in the past just aren’t that bad, once I know how long they will take. And my clients would agree. Here are two examples. On a more macro level, I used to avoid gathering all the paperwork and statements I need to send to my bookkeeper. It’s a tedious thing I need to do a couple times a year that saps my energy, yet requires attention and EF. Because it ranks pretty high on the suckage scale, I had gotten it into my head that it would take at least a whole afternoon of my work week. That just made it feel more awful. So, a few years ago, I timed it. It only took about 90 minutes, not the 4 hours it felt like it was going to take. I have never avoided it since and it if off the list of things that I dread. On a more micro level, the dishes. Usually, I cook dinner and do most of the cooking dishes as I go. Then my wife does the after dinner dishes. But, when she works nights, I’ve…

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ADHD Life Hacks pt. 6: Interval Timer

The aforementioned interval timer is a great tool. But it depends on how you use it. As its essence, it is an external reminder to be mindful of the passage of time. Whether you are distracted or hyper focused, the right interval timer, used correctly will help you to not get lost and to continue to move through your day with purpose. Interval timers are, just like it sounds, timers that go off at a regular interval. There are plenty of free options to download on your phone. Or you can get a freestanding one. The freestanding ones are great for kids. I’ve used this one with my kids. Ideally, your interval timer/app should be easy to set, have a chime that is not so intrusive that it totally derails you if you are on task, but loud enough to get your attention if you are off task. This is important because we want to notice the timer, no matter what the situation is, but we don’t want it to be disruptive or annoying. (But don’t blame the timer if you find time itself annoying.) If you are using an app, make sure the timer doesn’t stop when you phone screen sleeps. When searching for apps, it may help to look for HIIT (high intensity interval training – workout apps) or meditation timers. They are all basically the same thing. BUT DO NOT USE A KITCHEN TIMER. Forcing yourself to stop what you are doing to reset a timer every few minutes is my idea of hell. Not so helpful. This is where I shock you. Set the timer for six minutes intervals. I’m sure you think that is way too short and weirdly specific. But it’s not. Think about this: Let’s say your morning routine is an hour. If…

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 5: “It’s about time.”

Unless you are an astrophysicist, I think we can agree that time is a constant and represents an objective reality. But it certainly doesn’t feel that way when you are living inside an ADHD brain. We experience time as very… squishy. I promise you that whomever originally said, “time flies when you are having fun,” was an ADHD person. Similarly, I think it had to have been an ADHD person who first noticed that, “a watched pot never boils,” as they left the kitchen and gave up on ever having a hot cup of tea again. Of course, these sayings are indicative of the human condition as a whole. But they are a good example of how ADHD is a pathological extremity of the human condition. The up side is that you CAN get better at time. I am living proof. Here are a couple tips on how to do it, some deceptively obvious, some more subtle. First, have a clock in EVERY ROOM. Clocks are great. They are a measure of that good old objective reality that is time. But they only help if you have ready access to one. By the way, EVERY ROOM includes the bathroom… where you can see it from the shower. Of course the clock only works if you look at it. At least while you are getting used to being mindful of time, I suggest using an interval timer. More on that next week. When thinking about clocks, consider what might work best for you (or your kids,) digital or analogue. Choose a clock that is big enough to see and ready from everywhere in the room. And, consider picking analogue clocks that have all the numbers. Blank faces or those with only lines can lead to mistakes. Especially for kids, consider alternative/visual…

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 4: More Reverse Chunking

Here are some more ways to reverse chunk… and a word of warning. Mail is a pain. If you haven’t noticed, they seem to bring more of it almost every day. And, unless it is your birthday or anniversary, probably none of it is any good. I know I promised pithy, real life tips, but I’m going to squeeze in one really important concept here. Dealing with your mail is actually a pretty small task. It is really important to logistically and psychologically differentiate between dealing with the mail, and dealing with the tasks that are generated by opening your mail. If you want to know more about task management… you are going to have to hire me to teach you how to keep A Bad-Ass To Do List, or wait for me to finish my book, with that title. But, maybe you do have a system for task management. If so, why do you need to open your mail every day? Or feel bad for letting it pile up for a LITTLE while? I do think there is a value in triaging you mail daily. I generally look through it quickly to filter out the obvious junk mail to the recycling bin(s), pull out the ultra rare item that looks really important, and separate mine from my wife’s. This generally take almost no attention or EF and about 30 seconds of my life. And, honestly, once you separate the wheat from the chaff, there really isn’t that much. Certainly not enough to feel anxious about dealing with. Then I actually open the mail about every 10 days. I can’t think of the last time that I had an issue because something sat in my inbox for a week. Snail mail is rarely urgent. Two for one today. Let’s talk…

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 3: Outsourcing

Life is often a balance of money and time. So, I understand that most of us aren’t in a position to outsource everything. But, if outsourcing frees you up to have the time to earn more, you could come out ahead. But, even if you pick your spots and outsource a few things, it can dramatically improve your stress level, make time for self care, or allow you to live in a way that is more aligned with your values by, for example, having more time to spend with family. Examples… My wife and I divide up the responsibilities around the house. I tend to do somewhat more because she’s the primary breadwinner. But we generally go with our individual strengths and likes. Be both really, really, HATE doing the regular house cleaning. The money we spend on cleaners every other week, may be the best money we spend on anything. I outsource some of the laundry. I do sheet, towels, underwear & sweatshirts. Everything else gets dropped off. So, about $55 saved me about two hours every other week. Worth it by far for me. I don’t outsource cooking. I’m a classically trained, former professional chef. We eat WELL. But we also eat value because I make my own stocks, do my own butchering, and grow my own organic veggies in the summer. But I’m the exception. For some folks, including many of my clients, meal kits are a great way to spend less time, both cooking and planning, to eat better, more nutritious meals. It’s often cost effective if it eliminates waste when things go bad in your fridge or reduces costly takeout nights. Professionally, the best money I spend is on my bookkeeper. It is a pitance compared to the torture that doing my own books is…

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ADHD Life Hacks, pt. 2: Reverse Chunking of Laundry

Reverse chunking is one of my favorite strategies. “Easy” can be hard for us. Regular, everyday tasks are often tedious and boring. Somethings we really need to do every day, like make food and clean up after ourselves. But there are a lot of things that don’t need to be done very often, provided we do them somewhat regularly. Here is one example. I do the laundry in our house. I HATE doing laundry. I also HATE being in the middle of doing laundry. So, I do all the laundry in the whole house every two weeks. Beds get changed, towels get done, everyone’s clothes, and everything else. Everything gets folded and put away. (The putting away is the part my wife does.) So, it’s not the best day of my life, every other Thursday. But it does mean that 13 out of 14 days I’m not doing laundry. That means that I only do laundry roughly 7% of my days on this earth. Life could be worse. Just make sure you have enough underwear.

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