I can’t remember if I’ve posted on this before. So, thanks for your patience if I have. I really like my wife. AND SHE REALLY LIKES ME! We have a great marriage and really complement each other. Despite my quirks, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, and complexities, I’ve never, ever gotten the feeling that she didn’t love me for who I am exactly the way that I am. It’s possible I got that from my highschool girlfriend, but that I was too insecure to realize and appreciate it. But, I certainly never got that feeling from anyone else I’d been with before my wife. She has a saying about me, “It’s not that he’s a dick… He’s just intense.” But she loved that intensness almost right away. I will say this, and you’ll know it if you know me well, that I’m always working on myself. With 31 years post-diagnosis under my belt, I don’t always present as the ADHD partner that I am. But, I’m also not the easiest guy, being that I’m pretty intense pretty much all the time as a compensation method to not be ADHD guy. The reason I mention this is because I believe everyone has a right to be with a partner, or partners* who love them for who they really are. But we all have to do the work on ourselves to be the best version of that person. I think this extends to friends and even family as well. More on that in the next post. *I think that it is fair to note that in this day and age, the traditional nuclear family is only one of many structures that can work. As long as you are safe, happy, and loved, I do think it should matter what your family structure looks like. And,…

In other words, a quick update on my daughter. When I posted my entry about the trials and tribulations of parenting kids with issues my daughter was not in the best place. But, because I’m a tenacious son-of-a-gun, my wife and I are on the same page, and I have a world-class doctor, we have made substantial progress in the month since.  First, I want to thank everyone who gave my love and positive feedback about that post. I was pretty worried about saying some of the things that I said, but thought it was important. I’m glad it was well received. Thank you all. Second, don’t give up. My daughter is now on very low doses of three different meds. Not exactly how you draw it up for you 5-year-old. But she is back to the kids who spontaneously tells me that she loves me and falls asleep in my arms most recently at a friends BBQ on Sunday. For those who are against “medicating kids,” I got my daughter back… and I’d rather call it “treating kids” anyway. And, yes, sometimes that involves medication. One last note as it relates to my last post, (backdated to look like I posted it last week, but also written today.) When my daughter is not well, she is the definition of an energy-sucker for our whole family. And, our kids are the only people in our life who we don’t get to choose. Not matter what happens with her, I will love her and take care of her. Having said that, she can be really disruptive. If there is anyone else in your life who causes you that much pain and frustration, I’d consider jettisoning them from your orbit. They probably aren’t worth it. Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my…

When you first start a business it is really hard to say no to anyone. You will take anything you can get that is a paying gig and plenty that is unpaying. You also generally cast a pretty broad net until you figure out what you do best, enjoy most, and can actually make a living at. It has been my experience that people can bring you energy or take your energy. I think I learned that from my amazing Mentor/Coach, Jerry, or maybe somewhere else in coaching school. But the more I work with a diverse group of clients the more I see this to be true. One energy-sucker in an important place in your life can destroy you. And you may not even know how damaging the effects of that person are until you get out from under their shade and into the sun. That can change everything.  I was reflecting the other day on how much easier my coaching life is now that I have a “mature” practice. I attract clients who are serious about change and I am better at vetting them to make sure they aren’t lying to themselves that they are ready. Sure, I have tough sessions, but it is different when it’s a tough session with some with whom I have a real connection and to whom the work is important. There is a big difference between 50 minutes of intense presence and concentration with that person and a session with someone who isn’t ready or invested.  I had a busy week last week. 5 clients on Tuesday, 6 clients on Wednesday with only a break for my workout in the middle of the day, 4 clients and a consultation on Thursday sandwiched around a workout and a speaking engagement in Somerville (90+ minutes…

I always say that my most important relationships are: My wife My prescribing physician My pharmacist I’m posting this now because I’ve had many clients and folks in my support groups lately tell me what a hard time they’ve been having with their pharmacies. What do they all have in common? They all go to CVS. I haven’t gone to a CVS for my regular scripts for many years, and there is a reason. They suck. They are unwilling to get me what I need, aren’t truthful about when things are going to come in and don’t really want to provide any actual service. Over the years, since leaving CVS, I’ve used several Walgreens, an Osco inside a Shaws, an Eckard, a Rite Aid, and currently go to the pharmacy at the Wegmans in Westwood. With the exception on one particularly surly pharmacist at one Walgreens, I’ve never had the problems that I’ve had at CVS.  Check out this catch 22 from the last time I tried to use a CVS. They only get their Schedule II meds (stimulants, etc.) delivered once a week. They put their order in on Friday for Monday. I want to pick up on Saturday. I always coordinate drop off and pick up with my food shopping. So I drop off on Saturday and pick up on the next Saturday. But since I drop off on Saturday and they refuse to keep my meds in stock, they can’t put in the order until the following Friday for the next Monday.  Then when I tried another CVS, they ordered during the week so my Saturday to Saturday cycle would work. Except that their policy was that an Rx couldn’t be dropped off more than five days in advance. And, of course, they were unwilling to be…

Every year sometime in the spring, my brain stops wanting to do work. All I want to do is get out in the garden and grow stuff. Even on a rainy day like today. It almost feels like my medication is not working right. It’s kinda’ like that feeling you’d get the last week of school when you knew it was almost over and the sun was shining and your body was just telling you to get out of that room and get out in the fresh air.  For me this has been going on for about 5 years, since my business really took off and I worked my tail off all winter. Once the spring really came, I’d get this feeling. The first  year I noticed it and freaked out. I thought that my meds had actually stopped working. But the following year, I remembered that something similar happened the previous year. And, it went away eventually. But it was still a bit scary. Every year I’ve recognized it better and freaked out less. And this year, I realize that it happened today. I would have guessed it happened a little later, but it is what it is. It’s nice to know that it’s nothing to panic about.  The next step is to monitor my attention for the next few months and see when it comes back. Not to say that it is completely gone. I have had a very productive day. I’m just having trouble sitting still and doing office work. I definitely missed posting last week and put doing this off until 3:15. But it is what it is. No sense in fighting it. I’ve already exercised today. After this I think I’ll meditate and see if that gets me chill enough to write another post to…

Legos are possibly the most annoying thing in the world to organize. They defy categorization and are basically impossible to put away in any meaningful way.  What to do with the completed sets? That depends on if your kids actually play with the sets once they are assembled.  If your kids do play with them, what do you do with half assembled sets that have been semi-destroyed by said play? And, if your kid has ADHD, what do you do with the 8 – 10 half assembled sets that he/she “is going to get back to and finish late?” The first step is to consolidate the legos into one location. I’ve been slowly getting them all into my son’s room for over the last few months. He used to put them together in the basement because if he did it anywhere else his little sister would destroy them. But he never wanted to go down there. It’s not really finished… okay it’s not finished at all. So, once we got them all into his room, the legos were everywhere. They were like sand on the beach. I finally settled on a three part system that put together three previous systems for lego organization that were all semi-successful.  Shelves for the finished product. Adjustable track system-style shelves that are adjustable to accommodate the impossible different heights of completed legos with solid shelves, not wire ones. picture  #2 Stacking bins for the in process sets. The key here is to have one bin per set and to try not to let the sets get mixed up. I would also suggest leaving the instructions right in the bin with the set.  picture #1 One big-ass bin under his bed for all the miscellaneous pieces. Don’t even try to sort those. It is not possible. I’ve tried a few…

I don’t know if I”ll end up finishing this post or leaving it up. It is somewhat personal. If you read my stuff, you know that I’m not one to shy away from personal stuff, but this has to do with my kids and I’m not sure how I’ll feel about what I’m about to write once it’s down on “paper.” But I think it is important for us, as parents, to share our pain and vulnerability so we don’t have to suffer alone. So, here goes: I just don’t think the average person/parent has any idea what it is like to parent kids with real issues. It takes a toll on your mood, your sleep, your attention, your weight, your social life, your pocketbook, and your family unit. I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. It is more stream of consciousness than anything. But I am a life coach. I am good at that, because there are many, many things that I’ve figured out about life. But that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out… or that it is even possible to figure it all out. So I want to admit to y’all that I’m struggling right now with my parenting.  There is a delicate line to tread. Really the issues are my kids, particularly my daughter, who just turned 5. She’s bipolar. She is like a little terrorist in our house. It is just so hard to work all day, run a household and that that entails and “come home” to a child who is a constant tantrum, won’t eat dinner, and won’t go to the bathroom by herself. She wakes up and comes into our bed nine out of ten nights. And we never know when she’s going to completely lose it. In a lot of ways…

Most people with ADHD have a borderline pathological fear of being early. If you are always trying to walk in exactly on time, erring on the side of not being early… you’re going to be late a lot! So, why are we so afraid of being early? Easy. We are afraid of being bored and of “wasting time.” To truly understand this, you need to understand how we as ADHDers experience boredom. Granted there is always an exception. Some ADHDers are so involved in their own rich inner life that they can get lost in their own heads anytime, any place. (From this point on, assume that I’m speaking for the majority, but not all ADHDers.) And for most of us, boredom is our Kryptonite. We experience boredom as almost physically painful. We need stimulation in a way that neurotypical people don’t. When we don’t have that stimulation, it’s super uncomfortable. Being early requires us to wait in one place, observe generally accepted societal norms of behavior like leaving our shoes on, not be optimally stimulated, and not get anything productive done… or at least that’s how it feels. And that was more likely the case in the past. But, these days, we can play on our phone, get work done on wifi, step out of the waiting room and take a call, read on or phone or kindle, or any number of things that I’m not even thinking about right now. Yes, there is still an element of forced structure. And, we probably still can’t take our shoes off. But, being 10 minutes early is hardly the cruel and unusual punishment it was before. But sometimes the reality takes a while to catch up with us. We often have such a strong aversion to being early, and it’s been…

But there are also many times that ADHD folks are late and are 100% aware that they are late or at least, if they took the time to slow down and be honest with themselves they’d know they were late. I think this behavior comes down to two causes. The first thing to know is that we run on adrenaline when our brain chemistry is not managed optimally. Adrenaline produces dopamine which is the primary neurotransmitter responsible for attention. So, anytime there is a deadline, we are more capable of attending. A typical ADHDer who may not have gotten anything done all morning, may feel a rush of adrenaline as the time that she needs to leave for an appointment approaches. That deadline indirectly produces dopamine, making her more productive in that moment than she has been all morning. That attention, regardless of its reason for being is intoxicating. It can also feel terrifyingly fleeting. It feels like an opportunity that needs to be taken advantage of. “I didn’t get anything done all morning. I can’t walk away now that I’m finally productive.” And when we are in that place, we feel like we have to “get one last thing done before we leave.” Too bad that the reality is that that one last thing never fits neatly in the time we actually have before we need to leave. But the pull is powerful, so we go with it until the last possible moment. which is actually well past the last possible moment. That’s when the mental gymnastics begin. Any of this sound familiar? …I got there in 15 minutes that one time… …I might get all green lights… …There was that one time I got a parking space right in front… …The doctor will probably be running behind anyway……

When confronted with this situation and a lack of compensation skills, most people I work with will then over do it and create an entirely different set of problems. So, a person who is chronically late and realizes that it may be because they set their alarm for too late a time everyday tends go super far in the other direction, intending to build in a huge cushion believing that then they couldn’t possibly be late. This doesn’t work for two reasons. First, there is no incentive to get up super early. This person has no evidence that it is the appropriate time to get up and should be already. But, they know in their heart that they don’t possibly need two-and-a-half hours to get ready in the morning. So, they hit the snooze button and end up getting up when they would have anyway with more anxiety and less rested. Or they semi-consciously turn off the alarm and way over sleep. (Preface to this next paragraph: I found the easiest way to write this was in the second person. But having written it, it seems kind of accusatory. Please don’t feel like I’m trying to shame anyone for their behavior. And, if this resonates with you, please don’t feel like speaking to you directly or chastising you in any way. Just trying to point out a pattern.)   The other way this method malfunctions if you can actually get up at 5:00 am instead of 7:00am. What are you going to do with those extra two hours? Are you going to take your meds early and clean the house? Are you going to go to the gym and get your dopamine on for the day? Are you going to meditate? Are you going to make a big batch of…

In my experience there are a few reasons that ADHDers are chronically late. The most  fundamental issue is our lack of time sensitivity. In my opinion, this stems from our basic neurochemical wiring. We don’t experience time as a constant. Whoever said that time flies when you’re having fun was most likely and ADHDer. When you are not aware of the time, it’s really easy to be late. Our tendency towards hyperfocus is also a contributing factor. When we do effectively attend, it is often in this hyperfocus way, which blocks out the rest of the world. Whether we are doing something fun or have finally found “the zone” for something tough, we can get totally lost in that thing. There are no clocks in “the zone.” There are also some ADHD folks who are so not present in the moment that it doesn’t even occur to them to interact with time. I always ask a clients who tell me that they are chronically late to work, “What time do you need to leave for work?” I am, (more often than you might think,) met with a very long pause and the answer, “I don’t know.”  My follow up question is usually, “How long does it take you to get to work?” There usually isn’t a great answer to that question either. Obviously, if we don’t know how long it takes to get to work, we can’t figure out what time to leave. There is a basic skill set lacking here in terms of planning before doing. For example, if I were going to start a new job tomorrow, I would Google Map my route considering what time I would need to be there, figure out the parking situation and add in time for that, and probably add a buffer…

It does not matter if you should do it faster. It does not matter how fast the kid next to you does it.  It does not matter how your grandmother did it back in the day. All that matters is reality. It only matters what you can do. If you live your life comparing yourself to everyone else, you will always be disappointed. There is always someone who is bigger, stronger, faster, etc. There is always a Michael Jordan or a LeBron James. (And, those best of the best people are often insufferable pricks anyway.) The only thing that matters is what you are capable of. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses and accept them both. Yes, continue to work on your weaknesses. Always try to be the 2.0 version of yourself. But don’t budget time based on how long you SHOULD take. That will lead to failure. Figure out how long it will take you and adjust accordingly. Find the way you can deliver with whatever your limitations (real or perceived) are.