My Blog: ADHD Since 1978-

No system lasts forever

quick follow up to last week. I had this come up with a client a few weeks ago. And I thought it was worth mentioning. Sometimes we think once we put in an organizational system we get to wash our hands of that part of our life and let it go. It has been my experience that that is never the case. Everything requires maintenance. The idea is to set up organizational systems that are super easy to interact with so that things get disorganized less severely and less rapidly. Thus, you will need to interact with that organizational system in terms of upkeep as little as possible. But nothing lasts forever. I think that’s one of the reasons that we struggle so much with things that are constant and repetitive like laundry, male, bills that we can’t put on auto pay, shopping / food prep. I think on some level we get frustrated that these things happen over and over again, which is exhausting. But they still need to get done. So coming up with the system to get them done as efficiently as possible is the way to go. But really, everything in our life exists in that way. Possibly for super neurotypical people who put everything away exactly where it goes all the time life could be like that. But that sounds like both a fantasy and a nightmare to me. I certainly can’t think of a single aspect of my life that doesn’t need maintenance and upkeep. I’ve got to go through the basement once in awhile because things get thrown down there. I’ve got to go through the paperwork in my office once in awhile. Even the linen closet needs a little love once or twice a year. But having good systems so that they…

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Had waste already happened?

the second half of this post is going to be about specific examples. They may or may not be relevant to you. But I bet you’ll be able to relate to it a few of them. Some of them are examples of where waste is already happened. Some of them are examples of where waste is inevitable. Some of them are examples of where you can choose to avoid waste through your behavior. here’s an example of waste that’s not your fault. The world has decided that physical sets of encyclopedia are no longer necessary. If you happen to have one of these dinosaurs in your house, it’s not your fault the internet happened. Get rid of those bad Larry’s. The best you can do is rip off the covers and recycle the insides. Or you can use them for fires in the winter. But keeping them doesn’t mean they don’t have to go at some point. Eventually you will die and someone will have to clean out your house. How about clothes? Well, I think that depends on why you’re getting rid of them. If you’ve got a box of clothes from before you had kids and it is just not physically possible that they will fit anymore, that doesn’t seem like waste. That seems like a thing that just happened. But here’s the funny part. The longer you hold on to them, the more wasteful it is. Why? Think about what you wore 20 years ago. How many people would want to buy that in a second hand store now? Probably not many. Of course, some fashions will circle back especially in the hipster population. But the most bang for your buck in terms of giving things another life and being less wasteful is to donate them to…

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When waste occurs.

my general philosophy is that in order to be successful we have to manage three things our time, our tasks, and our stuff. I started my career as a professional organizer dealing mostly with stuff. As a coach I’m more deal with the other two. And even though I’m not in clients homes helping them organize anymore, the topic does come up quite often. One of the things that many of my clients struggle with is getting rid of things. I’ll probably do a follow-up on why getting rid of things is difficult. But I won’t get into that now. The takeaway that I’d like to give to you today is about the concept of waste. Many of my clients struggle with getting rid of things, throwing things away, because it represents waste to them. But waste does not occur when we get rid of something. Waste occurs when we bring something into our life that we don’t need. Waste occurs when we buy an item of clothing that doesn’t quite fit or isn’t quite right. Waste occurs when we bring things into our lives that are essentially disposable. And sometimes waste occurs that’s not your fault. It’s helpful to realize that once something enters the consumer ecosystem, it exists. At some point it will have to be dealt with at its waste, no matter how durable a good it is. So, ultimately, waste, and minimizing it, it’s about changing behaviors going forward, not lamenting decisions already made. And sometimes it just is what it is. I think I’m going to split this into two posts. I also think I’m going to go back and write the post about why it’s hard to get rid of stuff first and post all three in order.

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One reason ADHD people are prone to clutter

acquiring things is super easy. I furnished my whole first apartment from things in the trash in Newton and from yard sales. I think the entire apartment from furniture to dishes cost about $150. When I talk to my clients about the concept of stimulation seeking, shopping is one of the categories of stimulation seeking. We get a little dopamine hit when we acquire something. And yes, both impulsive and compulsive shopping can be associated with ADHD. But, as I think I mentioned in my post about my infinite possibilities theory, we acquire things through a variety of means, not just by purchasing them. of course, there is no inherent problem with that. The problem lies and how much more difficult it is for us to organize and then eventually get rid of the things we bring into our world. I once made a client laugh and coined a phrase when I said to her, “do you want to live your life or do you want to be the curator of the museum of your own crap?” This question came out of many sessions of her intense difficulty getting rid of things which I would objectively categorize as junk. and that’s no judgment on this client. I want to be clear that I don’t judge anyone who I work with. The point is to illustrate how difficult it is for people to get rid of things once they are acquired. I think there are a couple reasons for this that are directly related to our adhd. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in the past the idea that we are reluctant to get rid of things because of their potential use. Emphasis on the word potential. There’s this famous ADHD book entitled late lost and unprepared. That tells you a lot…

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The hierarchy of suck.

this is another one of my personal theories about adhd. And it also relates to anxiety. Let’s start with a story about a hypothetical college freshman. This kid hates doing laundry. Why? Duh! Because laundry is boring, requires planning, requires multiple steps, and is far less fun than dancing, playing sports, music, and pretty much everything else. so this kid does everything he can do not to do laundry. He might buy extra underwear. He might turn things inside out. If he’s particularly charming, he might get his girlfriend to do it. But he’s really trying to hold out for the next time he goes home so Mom will do it. And then, midterms. And when confronted with the boring, tedious, anxiety-producing, and not so fun task of studying for midterms, he decides it’s a really good idea to do all his laundry. Why? Because laundry seems more accessible and less scary than studying for midterms. It is no longer the lowest on the hierarchy of suck. I know what you’re thinking. If a bunch of stuff sucks why does it matter which stuff sucks more? Well, the reality is that we are constantly under pressure to get stuff done. The more stuff we need to get done, the longer the list, the more the stress, the more the anxiety. Doing nothing when you’re already reasonably overwhelmed generally doesn’t end up in a good scenario. So, as in most cases in our ADHD lives, we pick the low-hanging fruit. So in this case, the low-hanging fruit is productive. But it’s also a means of avoiding the thing that we need to do the most. The general idea is that we don’t always have to do the thing that is the most important. We can do the thing that’s the most…

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The infinite possibilities theory!

I think I’m going to do a short series of quick entries about adhd-isms that I have developed over the years. Not sure where I’m going with this yet. But I’m pretty sure it’ll be helpful. the infinite possibilities theory is my favorite thing about ADHD people. But it is also one of the things that holds us back the most. As always, it doesn’t apply to everybody. We don’t all present the same way as ADHD people. But there are trends. And this is a pretty strong one under the heading of the average ADHD or is more likely to be creative than the average human. the vast majority of us do not suffer from a lack of ideas. If anything, we are overwhelmed by all of the amazing ideas we have. In fact, that can be paralyzing if executive function and decision making are weaknesses. I always make a joke about the handy guy who sees a broken bike in the trash and says that’s awesome it’s only missing one brake cable three spokes and a gear. I could totally fix that up and have a new bike or sell it on craigslist. Most of my clients smile and identify with this in some way. Your thing might not be the bike. But most of us have a thing or a few things that we get a little dopamine hit from acquiring and a more substantial dopamine hit from the potential Joy of what we can make it into. The problem with having so many great ideas, is that it’s basically impossible to execute all of them. It may not even be possible to execute most of them. I always tell my clients that you may have to endure the pain of letting 97 ideas go in order…

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Getting back on the horse … again!

I know I’ve written this before and recently. But it’s a really good way to get back on the horse, that is talking about getting back on the horse. So if you’re new reader, welcome. This will be brand new if you’re a consistent reader, maybe repetition will be helpful. Or, selfishly, I’m writing this for myself. And there might be a little bit of a different flavor. things have not been great in my world. One of my kids is actually doing a little better. The other is doing significantly worse. A lot of upheaval. A lot of anxiety. A lot of depression. A lot of conflict. And not a lot of additional resources to pursue. Though I will post more on that as we make our way through looking for those resources, in the hopes that we can find them and share with you what we found. Posting here is my main source of marketing. As it keeps me in the top of Google searches. So it’s important. And when I graduate some people, and my client enrollment dips, I am reminded that it is important. But I don’t ever slack off on posting because things are good. And I don’t ever get back into posting because I’m a few clients short of what I’d like. It’s about being consistent. But, there are times that this just isn’t a priority. So really what I’m saying is that there are times where my business isn’t a priority. And that’s a bummer. There’s so much I’d like to be doing. But that’s not the point of this post. even though this is my main source of of marketing, it does feel kind of optional sometimes. When my kids are in crisis almost everything feels optional. I mean, I need to…

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The anxiety Lion.

I’ve been in ADHD coach for about 12 or 13 years. And I had no idea when I started doing this for a living that I would end up talking so much to people about anxiety. Statistics show about 80% of people with ADHD have at least one comorbidity. The most common comorbidity is anxiety I’ve seen it quantified that way many times. And I don’t dispute that anxiety and depression are very closely related. But they are distinctly different. I guess I think of them as something akin to fraternal twins. In my practice anxiety is tremendously prevalent. I would estimate that 90% of my clients struggle with anxiety in one way or another. But often they don’t realize it at first. I like to think I’m getting better at noticing it. But there was a time that it was difficult for me to figure it out as well. It’s quite sinister how many anxiety traits/symptoms overlap with those of adhd. This might end up being a multi-part examination of anxiety. But today, I want to talk about the lion. The lion represents both fear and real danger, a survival situation. It’s important to understand how our brain reacts when confronted by a lion. It is also important to understand how our brain reacts when we start perceiving things as lions that are not lions. Our brains are pretty sophisticated biological machines. But we don’t always have as much control as we think. Generally speaking, a lot of our higher functions, decision-making, human smarts reside in our prefrontal cortex. That’s why we can think about paying you back next Tuesday if you were to buy us a hamburger today. (If you’re too young to get that reference… It just makes me sad.) of course, as ADHD people, we’re not…

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What’s your self-care routine?

There is no right or wrong answer to this. Well, I guess I would argue that if you don’t think about self-care or make it somewhat of a priority in your life, I could argue that’s the wrong answer. But it really comes down to what is self-care. It’s a super now buzz word. I think it’s one of those things that everyone thinks they know what it is but maybe doesn’t. My self-care routine involves working out ideally, 5 to 7 days a week I always try to get enough sleep. That is sort of my baseline. I tried to meditate for 5 to 10 minutes 3 to 4 days a week. I tried to practice the drums five or six days a week for somewhere between one minute and whenever it starts to feel not fun anymore. Eating well as hard I definitely get all the nutrition and the good foods that I need. It’s a question of making sure I weed out some of the less good foods. But for the most part I avoid sugar and processed foods. I watched soccer because I enjoy it. And I try my best to overcome my insane life and support social interactions as often as possible. My emotional relationship with my wife is also foundational. And sex is a self-care tool. Life often gets away. But we shoot for every other night. (Thought about not including sex. But I think it’s a really important part of a happy, balanced life, that we don’t talk about enough in our culture. Whether you focus on the orgasm, the intimacy, or both, it’s hard to argue it they don’t contribute to happiness.) I also try to spend a lot of time in my garden in the summer. So, you may not that…

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The wonderful world of meditation!

I scheduled time to do blog posts while I’m hanging out in the car waiting for my youngest to finish with his hip hop class. Today I was feeling particularly scattered and didn’t think I was going to be able to focus enough to have coherent thoughts and get them down. But being generally scattered, I thought it was a good idea to meditate. Side note: I’ve been meditating a lot more lately and finding it helpful. I know I have posted about mindfulness many times in the past. I think this post will have a slightly different flavor. I was inspired to write this particular post based on a series of meditations I’m doing on my headspace app. They’re designed to manage a restless mind. While I was away at my ADHD conference last month, I was looking for a different meditation in the app to mix it up. I saw this one and thought to myself, “hey, I have a restless mind.” Though I have been meditating more, I haven’t been doing the 10 lesson course every day. Sometimes I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I don’t want to do 11 minutes of meditation. But I’ve been working my way through it. And I’ve been really surprised about the content. To summarize, it’s not about fighting your restless mind or judging it, or even really taming it. Which I find refreshing, positive, and non judgmental. The emphasis is really just on noticing the state of your mind. A busy mind is not a bad thing. Nor is it a good thing. It just is. I find this fascinating because taking away my own judgment about my ability to do meditation “the right way” was most of what kept me for meditating for decades. Letting go of that was…

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An army of one?

remember that slogan from 10 or 15 years ago? Probably not. They didn’t stick with it for very long. as patients, we are a sample size of one. I can’t remember if I posted on this before. But it’s a nugget that I didn’t want to let go for too long in case I hadn’t posted. large studies. Metadata analysis. Science. Odds and averages. All these things are super important to understanding the overall outline of a disease or impairment. But ultimately you are a sample of one. Trust yourself and maybe try to find a doctor who trusts you. Cuz some of us are outliers and there are a lot of ways you can be an outlier. But if you feel strongly that your experience is valid, even if it’s different from the conventional wisdom I would suggest you own that and don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not your truth… Maybe unless you’re a hypochondriac…

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Making decisions easier.

Decision making is not an executive function. But I’m sure I have posted in the past about how difficult decision making is for some ADHD people. It is definitely executive function adjacent. It really requires attention, working memory, managing anxiety, managing impulsivity, and sometimes other executive functions like organization and planning. So, pretty much, everything that we suck at. Congratulations! But I’ve had an epiphany recently that I’ve been sharing with a lot of my clients in regards to decision making. We know that in real estate it’s all about location, location, location. I always say that ADHD management is all about planning, planning, planning. I know I posted recently about the idea that the most important time you spend is the time you spend planning how to spend the rest of your time. (Feel free to reread that. It’s a mouthful. For me. Maybe an eyeful for you…) As I dive deeper into teaching planning to a variety of different kinds of clients, with differing emotional relationships to the idea of creating a plan or a schedule, I realize that decision making plays such an important role in our function or dysfunction. Decision-making will always be easier when we limit the decision set. We tend to get overwhelmed when we have to choose between everything and everything else. We get overwhelmed when we have to choose between a variety of very different things. And we get overwhelmed when we have to choose when we are not at our best. So how do we make choice easier? Planning! Really, what planning is, is front loading the executive function. So it may be uncomfortable or difficult to sit down for 15 or 20 minutes and plan your day. I am not saying that it’s not difficult. Especially at the beginning it…

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