I watched a great movie yesterday while I was home sick, Phoebe in Wonderland. I’m telling you about it because I think it is relevant to how we as parents of kids who have issues look at the world. I also think this is one you might have missed because I don’t think the publicity about the film really did justice to what it was all about. I thought it was going to be a light hearted film about a child who doesn’t quite fit in. It was actually a much deeper exploration of a child who was really struggling with a real diagnosis. (A real diagnosis that I won’t spoil, though it is not a huge surprise in the end.) In large part the movie was also about her mother’s journey though accepting this. I’ll let you watch the movie and see how it turns out. I will say that even though this girl’s issue wasn’t ADHD, it reminded me very much of how some parents struggle to handle a child who has a something that has a real name. There’s not just “spirited, energetic, march to the beat of their own drum, day dreamy, adorably absent minded, imaginative, etc.” They may be some of these things, but if they have ADHD too, it needs to be addressed in order for them to be the best whateverthey are that they can be. I guess my take away here is that as parents we can’t get caught up in our own conceptions of what we want our children to be or how that may reflect on us a parents. We have to recognize who they really are and love them for that, warts and all. And, we simply have to take advantage of everything we can to help our children,…

As ADHD’rs we have the bad habit of getting away from things that are helpful. (Perhaps another post on why this is at some point in the future.) I recently re-started a practice that I’ve used in the past and wanted to share how helpful it has been for me, even though I consider myself pretty squared away at this point in my life. I have been struggling with organizing my days lately. This is a struggle which plagued me earlier in life, but hasn’t been much of a problem lately… or so I though. Recently, I have had a long list of things to get done, but none of them have been accompanied by too much urgency or a definitive deadline. As a result, with the exception of my client sessions, I had lapsed in to a pattern of largely unproductive days. Needless to say, that was not helpful to my business and wasn’t great for morale. Last weekend was super relaxing with the house to myself. I was free to catch up on some shows, watch movies, work out, and eat take out – aka food that I didn’t have to cook myself. But when Sunday night rolled around and I was having trouble sleeping, I realized that I needed to give myself some structure for Monday morning in order to get myself back in the flow of working and being productive. My solution was something that I hadn’t done in a while but had always worked in the past. I made a very detailed schedule for the following day. I pulled out my two lists of things to do (personal & professional) and I accounted for my time for the following day down to five minute increments when needed, and included everything. This technique allows me to…

It is no secret that many ADHD’rs struggle with being assertive. I have noticed this especially with my female clients. I think that this is a place where our ADHD interacts with our societal expectations. I’ve often noticed that women politicians seem to be in a no win situation. If they aren’t assertive they are criticized for being “soft” and “emotional.” Yet, if they are aggressive (just like their male counterparts,) they are labeled as “bitches.” It seems to me that this leaves women in our culture in a bit of a pickle. Add in the idea that many ADHD’rs have trouble articulating and enforcing their boundaries, (as well as sometimes not recognizing others’,) and the result is a woman who can be paralyzed by indecision or trapped in a cycle of personal unhappiness while striving to placate and please others. I gave one of my clients a homework assignment last week to think about the difference between being assertive and being mean. (Mean was her word, and she was quite worried about being perceived as mean.) She came back to me the following week with a fantastic definition of assertiveness that she found online. I want to share a link to that definition as more food for thought on this topic.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite some time. Parents often ask me what to do when their ADHD kids get their licenses. I don’t think there is a simple answer. When impulsivity, inattention, sometimes hyperactivity, and predictable delays in maturity come together it can be the perfect storm. I guess my advice starts with don’t be overprotective, but trust your gut. Just because society says the average kid is capable of being behind the wheel without being a menace to society, doesn’t mean your teen is ready. Impress upon them that driving is a privilege. Don’t be afraid to take away that privilege if not properly earned. And I understand that this punishment is also a punishment for you. If they aren’t driving, that means you most likely are. But, that is parenting, isn’t it? Sometimes their punishment sucks just as much for us. (Sorry Mom and Dad. I get it now!) Practical tips: Cruise control is a wonderful thing for hyperactive types like me. For me, speed, especially on the highway was my nemesis. I would also recommend podcasts, books on tape, and old school radio shows for kids like me. Punk rock gets the blood flowing a little too much for a hyperactive 18 year old boy. DRIVE WHILE MEDICATED!!! For distractible types, I recommend driving stick. It keeps us more engaged in the process and more present in the moment. Navigation is wonderful. I get mine for free on my HTC Droid Incredible. DRIVE WHILE MEDICATED!!! Have hard and fast rules about who is allowed in the car. 8 kids in a minivan is not a recipe for success for most ADHD kids. Have hard and fast rules about phone use in the car — as in, there is none, unless you are using…

I bought the second house I ever looked at on the first day of looking when we weren’t really looking. It was a great decision. It was quick and decisive but not impulsive. We saw it on Sunday. I went back on Monday. I brought my parents to see it on Wednesday. I made an offer on Friday. A counter offer was accepted (which included being contingent on an inspection and an engineer’s evaluation,) on Friday night. I was reminded of this by something that happened today. Last week I got a call from an internet marketing company. They offered me a $9.95 website evaluation. I said sure. Today I had a phone meeting with their sales manager. Long story short, he overwhelmed me with information for over an hour. And, then gave me the pricing with lots of confusing options and the let me talk to my manger thing. I told him I needed a night to think about it. He said he couldn’t do the special pricing tomorrow. I told him I would need ’til the end of business. Here is where I did two smart things. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that prices don’t change day to day and that as excited as I was about what he was selling, there was something “used car salesman” about him that I didn’t like. I reached out for advice. With the house, I asked my Dad. For this I reached out to my coach. (Probably the two guys in the world I trust the most.) He immediately hooked me up with his web guy, who cut through the BS. Offered me a clearer explanation in about 5 minutes, offered to do more for me, and all for less than half the price. (And, he came with…

This is a follow up to yesterday’s post. These are actual emails that I received from the guy at the first Company. I’m posting them because… well the last one is so funny/scary it is worth reading. 2:35pm Matt, I will be ok for the time you need to decide which plan you want as long as it is done before the end of the day and corporate does my audit I will be fine. The prices 3 months $2500.00 your price $1500.00 3 months6 months $4500.00 your price is $2000.00 6 months Today 4 months $1500.00 Today 6 months $2000.00 Today 12 months $2200.00 All inclusive We will talk just before 5pm your time unless you call me sooner 3:00pm High pressure voice mail was left offering me some vague additional deal that I had to call him for. 4:00pm Doug, Hi. I got your message. I’ve done some thinking and talked to a few people. I’ve decided that, even with your discounted pricing, it seems pretty expensive, based on other information that I have. I’m sure you are very good and I very much appreciate your time and energy. I’m just not prepared to move forward with such an investment in such a short time frame. I plan to explore other options and will be back in touch if I decide to go with your company. Thanks again for your time and for educating me on how much I do not know. 4:04pm Matt, you are THE FIRST person in 15 YEARS to say we are expensive as my closest competitor is over $13.000.00 per year and that is firm. I believe that we all get what we pay for and this business is no different I can’t imagine who you could have talked to that told you…

Lest you all think I don’t go through the same stuff you do, I have to work pretty hard to maintain the balance in my life that I need. It is not easy as a parent who works full time to find the time to have the social life that I need to maintain the balance I need in my life. I, like most ADHDers need a level of social stimulation that doesn’t magically appear in adult life. One of the other things that I need as an semi-ex athlete is competition. And, playing risk on the computer by myself and angry birds doesn’t count. (Even though I dominate at Star Wars Angry Birds!) But, I get it. It is not easy to fight our own inertia and get out there socially. And, it hasn’t been easy for me to find competition in the times of year that I’m not able or healthy to play ultimate. (That’s ultimate Frisbee, for the uninitiated.) So, I’ve gone out on a limb to start a Dad’s Poker Night with some neighbors, Dad’s from E’s school, and other friends and family. Tonight was month two. (Out of three, because we missed last month…) It was so much fun. I can honestly tell you that it was worth the effort to organize. It was worth the first semi-awkward poker night in Sept. It was worth the month that didn’t actually happen in October. I had so much fun tonight with a bunch of guys that I know in a couples context, but not in a guys hanging out context. I also got my competition on… and happened to win. ($100) But here’s the important thing. I know from personal experience that this fun-ness will sustain me for days, maybe even a week. It will bring…

“It takes a lot of energy to be better than everyone else.” “Being unhappy is a waste of time”

I had a great session with my coach last week. I was feeling some guilt about a situation in my life. (Specifically, about not wanting to spend every possible waking moment with my son.) His answer to guilt blew me away and I wanted to share it with y’all. Jerry observed that guilt is usually a result of our breaking our own rules. We all have core beliefs, standards, values, whatever you want to call them. It is less common that we trample those. But we often make up/ assume rules that may or may not truly serve those core values. Then adopt these rules as fact. I’m sure some rules are great, but the more I’ve explored this, the more I realize how many of them get us in to trouble. For example, the issue I was discussing with my coach: I felt guilty about not picking up my little man (4.5 yrs old) from preschool the minute I could. Even if I don’t have a client my last slot of the day, I often do office work or take the opportunity to wind down with a few minute of and old Star Trek TNG. (They play like 3 a day on BBC America! I love my DVR!) So, the value there is that I take being a dad very seriously. I am an active, loving, affectionate, supportive 1/2 of my son’s parenting team. I have my strengths and weaknesses and make my mistakes, but on balance, I’m the dad that I want to be. That’s who I am and what is important to me. Incidentally, I had a very good role model in my own father. Unfortunately, I had unwittingly attached “rules” to how I fulfill my core value of being a great dad. I had decided that…

I took a break over the summer from posting. As I have entered the fall, and tried to get back going on the blog, I have found it difficult. I have a list of topics I want to address, but seem somewhat overwhelmed by jumping in to the more complex, lengthy, or challenging ones. Therefore, this is the perfect time for me to remind myself that this blog doesn’t have to be perfect. My plan is to rededicate myself to a stream of consciousness form of writing (with little or no editing) that emphasizes content, not form, but allow me to write the darn entries! Done is better than not done perfectly!

“No one axiom can be deemed wise and expedient for all times and circumstance.” -Thomas Jefferson I’ve been meaning to share this with y’all. My post on rules made me think now was the time. I came across this quote while doing some history reading my Jr. year in High School. It has been the foundation of my personal philosophy ever since. I could tell you what it means to me… but I’m interested in what it means to you. Hope you find it thought provoking.

A client’s mom shared this poem with me recently. It was written about 45 years ago by her mom about her brother. Ten-Year-Old …Does everything by fits and starts, Runs the gamut of manly arts, Works five minutes on model planes, Makes dirty marks on the window panes, Concentrates on spinning a top, Teases his sisters ’til told to stop, Tries to think of something to do, Idly thumbs through a book or two, The trouble with this man of parts, He has more fits than finished starts. –Marguerite Whitley May